Definition of Life and Memories.

I’ve been a midnight lover for some years, it’s just so peace and quiet which calm and soothes my mind, and yet it’s still the best time to relax, as all the hustle and bustle of the day is gone. Night owls like me do adore late nights, where you can typically hear nothing besides the sound from the keyboard and some dog barks as well. Surprisingly, in late night, I recall back what I’ve done that day and some past spontaneously, some flashback can just come across my mind out of the blue.

Unfortunately the drawback is the serene mood of the surroundings gives me a feeling on loneliness, where everyone is sleeping and you feels like you’re estranged in a third world. But I just like the midnight, even if I’m not doing anything, or merely listening songs, I would, I would do that just for the sake of enjoying the midnight life. The quiet surroundings will tempt you to recall back what you might have forgotten, and also those which you would not want to recall, such as some mistakes.

Ahh there’s no point in this post anyway, just writing something out of nothing.

“How is it there in heaven? Is it raining, and do you want us to cry?” I would like to say it to him, in fact, I never had the chance to say what I wanted to say after all. When he was around, I used to conceal my weep inside myself, trying to pretend a big boy out of me. I thought I was grown up and standing by myself, but I thought wrong. I want to tell him that I need him so much, so much in my life that no one but him, can pave such a well-made path for me.

Another tricky situation, and I get to indulge myself in my nostalgic memories. Now I can only seek his help through reminiscing the past; he is no longer my mastermind. He made me a loneranger albeit he didn’t intend to do so. I have just no one but him to sulk, cry, complaint, blame or anything. My dummy has gone, long time ago, far far away. I’m drenched in my dilapidated shell.

Just asking, if, if you remember, that embrace I gave you where I’ve forgotten how long has it been. Let me unveil to you now, that was my greatest memories of you and me that I’m having now, I’m writing it here because I don’t want to forget it, be it next minute or in the future. There’s no guarantee that I’ll keep this in mind forever, because our lives are just forsaken by the heinous ones, even the One.

I never treasure your existence, and never even hoped for your existence. You always had the upper hand, you always kill the conversation. I got you now, we communicated without words. We told each other through our mind, we never spoke about it. Even till the journey’s end, you still kept it to yourself, you silly bastard.

I’m crying so badly now, as to what am I crying for, I don’t know, and I wouldn’t know. You’re not here any more, so who am I weeping for? You shaped me and dismembered me, you’re the greatest person in my life, as well as the person I hated the most. You made me pay a due which I am bound to it forever, an indefinite amount which will last till my last breathe, what for? I ask, what for?

No one I could lean, no one I could confide, it’s like a passing song; they are here and then they are gone. How can I try to escape, while I’m caught in between with a fading dream? It will be an impasse which I will be forever enclosed within.

Another daylight, another bell is rung. I just realized that our life is too short to linger with regrets and past. A day passed is another day gone in our life. I perceived that I’ve been wasting too much time on procuring what I want, but not what I need. I have to move on.

I have a slew of aims in my life, not to say glorious, but they made up the poise in me. Perhaps I’ve been too focused on my aims which overrides my sense of life. To be honest, I have only one aim in my life, a foolish aim, and I never had the chance to get away from it. Among all my acts to achieve my aim, some are worth to be reminisced of, and some, are mere absurd. Our ‘last goodbye’ may be as near as the next minute, and hence I no longer feel like harping on only one aim and derail all my other objectives in life. I’m just too far away from home.

Therefore, I’ve been living in my past for so long, it’s time to look into my future and live my life with no regrets.

Last night, there was this person (can’t disclose the real name) messaged me in Windows Live Messenger (or msn) and told me about something he is facing. His problem was kind of common, but a little intricate. He told me that her father is having an affair and the family is falling apart with his siblings and everyone in his family is getting mad over squabbles of their own problems. He’s getting frail day by day and contemplating suicide. It’s perceivable that he may resort to such thought when he’s caught in so many dilemmas. He has procured a better family since years ago when all the discord and complications arose, but to no avail. He’s almost out of his sane mind.

When I saw all his messages, it was like a great blow to my heart to think that such thing does happen. What I can advice on is based on solid facts, thus I told him that a family is like several person carrying a log, huge log. When one person of the group is completely jaded, he still bears the responsibility of delivering the log to the destination. If he fails to toil upon the adverse situation, then the burden will be increased to the other members, ended up others have to suffer based on one’s lack of determination. We, as a human don’t live for pleasure lying ahead of us. For every pleasure we intend to attain, the more burden we have to carry. Nothing can be gained without effort.

There is a Chinese saying, one will die, you can either make your death precious and valuable, or you can die as a nobody. I know it’s not really applicable in that guy’s situation because he will not be gaining any fame or respect by just solving another plight in this world. Sometimes I wonder, since we’re going to live only once, so who cares if I intend to leave the onus to other people, as fame and prominence will not resurrect me from the grave and let me reign the world as I craved. Ironically, the opinion I made by myself has an answer to it. Since we only have one life to live, so why waste it by tarnishing the name of our forefathers? It may be frivolous to mention, but you know the torment of carrying the burden, so why let more people suffer?

As apart from some people, they provide reasonable solutions, where even the person in dilemma can thought of it. Therefore I don’t really give advice on how one should do, instead, I tell them to do what they thought is right. We are one person on earth, living one life, making one decision for every problem, one outcome to receive, hence, it’s pointless for someone to tell you what to do as you will waste that one “token” to your problem. If the problem remain unresolved, you’ll then feeling anguish for heeding the advice, problems will only get worse. So, one should use his opportunity wisely, thus when an effort to no avail, at least one has attempted, toiled, tried and shall bear no regrets to his decision.

After a conversation with one of my was-not-so-close classmate, another fact was established – we’re forever paying every due throughout our lifetime. There is a saying by Chinese that humans have to go through four inevitable processes which are being born, ageing, sickness and death. Precisely, we’re actually having things to worry everyday; when a problem is solved, another one comes right after it. Our life is more to solving problems than living a life generally.

Ironically, regardless of one’s attempts to do good for months or years, it does not reduce the amount of problems coming up before himself or herself. The issue here is, I’ve seen enough of “good” people in my life, and they ended up without getting what they are deserved to get, you know the examples. I was inspired to write this post by a song called “No one but you (only the good die young)” by Queen (which is my favourite band), indeed, the good one or the talented one dies young.

By being able to read this post, you should have gone through millions of problems and dilemmas. The strong one survives and the feeble one dies, this is very true as you can see people are suffering from emotional breakdown and bankruptcy due to their loss of composure after going through all the ordeals. As a result I can see how people have changed to adapt to their situation which don’t really serve as a remedy at all. They changed to a more gloomy, pessimistic person who I can’t recognize them any more.

People tend to put the blame on themselves when they are going through hardships, here comes the chasm, they will then develop a prejudice towards everyone, friends and family are not exception, even themselves. If I put myself with my peers, they certainly have not experienced and understood what “unlucky” is, as I’ve gone through the worst (yes, I’ve had the worst). But the irony is I did not get too carried away nor lose my composure after the “worst” happened to me, instead I carried on with my life as if nothing had happened, well maybe I’m granted for that.

Here’s the words today – A life may end, but mishap won’t. One’s problems can only be defunct when he or she dies whereas problems will be never ending. Hence I don’t see any reason one should collapse or be perturbed by incoming problems. The world won’t stop for you, therefore if you choose not to move on, you’ll be inhaling and eating other’s dust behind.

Yep, another new philosophy by the yet-to-be philosopher, heh. Just hours ago, I read an article about someone is very shy to blend in groups and participate in any group activities thus asking for remedies to overwhelm her predicament.

While I was reading the article, it’s as if I saw a replica of myself depicting in my mind, where the Nick was entangled in an endless impasse, nervous and desperate but no where to run. It was me, and now I’m glad that I’ve surpassed my past.

Have a look at a part of the article:
The days were long and I don’t know if I could withstand any of this mess running in my head right now. I’m 16 this year and I’m still having problem communicating with friends due to the shyness haunting over me from a past….Now I’m so shy to speak to anyone, worrying if they think I am worthless to chat with…I know this sounds very stupid but I don’t have the courage to speak to them. Sometimes I saw them laughing and gagging while looking at me, I don’t know and very afraid if there were talking about me. I never ignored my friends, instead I stick with them to gain their acceptance…..

Today I’m about to unveil Nick’s doctrine of “divert”sification heh.

First thing to divert is your thoughts. Old-fashioned mindset will not work on friendship. You have no grounds to think that people are treating you as a paranoid; you just have no reason to think so. As a victim once before, I knew that our brain are a pessimist, when things come before our eyes, we will start thinking all sorts of “worst case scenario” instead of being optimistic and thinking of what good will appear before ourselves. I can still remember after I braced up myself to seek for the answers myself, I was told that they thought I am ignoring them because I was too shy to speak up. And hence, none of my assumptions went right; don’t believe in your so-called instincts, intuition is not used in these situation.

Second, give yourself five seconds, ponder it again, what on earth made you think that you’re inferior than your friends? Love is detrimental per se, but friendship is not. We are all humans, I don’t see any difference in us, it’s not like they are immortal or genie that could grant you wishes. If they don’t value you, it means that they don’t deserve you after all. There is no point to beg for acceptance, instead, I’m sure you have friends who value you as a friend. As an example, I never declined any request (at least I don’t remember any) from my friends whenever they needed me, and if any of them decides to ditch me, I lose nothing, really. But take note that offering a hand to your friends could not be excessive or else you’ll eventually be their doormat.

Thirdly, be active; things don’t just fall from the sky. It took me three years to overcome this, be glad that you’ve finally met someone worse than you . This is definitely not easy, especially when your shyness was developed from young (or when your mind was infant). Even now, my fortitude is not twenty-four-seven (24/7) at my service, at times, I may have to overwhelm my timidness to make a conversation. Through my experience, if they don’t talk to you, besides of the probability of them being shy, there is also a chance of them having misconception of you, probably thinking that you’re some outcast. Therefore, be active (this might be the hardest part to achieve as far as I know, but this could be the crucial point of your success)

And now this is the best method to blend in a conversation – show curiosity. We used to bump in conversations which we have no idea what is it about and where it is going. Instead of showing a timid appearance or being silence, show curiosity. It can be used in any topics. There was once I bumped into a conversation about English Premier League where my friends are crapping about bunch of EPL players which I have no idea what is it about. I went and asked that I was interesting with football (or soccer) but I have less experience with it, remember not to show total blank in that topic even if it’s true (or they will lose their interest completely to teach a toddler to walk). And now, I can even approach them to chat about football.

On Monday I was at the library with Su Ning, she bought me a cup of coffee, and soon after that she told me to look behind. I was like, Oh great, “no food and drinks allowed” but who cares? She was laughing contagiously and I wondered if breaking the rules was really that funny. She told me to look at it again, I did. And…. I saw someone actually did correct the notice. Damn it was so funny.

Ironically, I had found the dark side of ‘concern’ while pondering all the ‘concerns’ I’ve gotten. It’s about my quest to get a girl.

It is a fact that among the concerns, there are obscure ones, but I think that if I apply those concerns, my confidence and faith will be succumbed to nothing. I’ve had heard numerous advice and concerns from her friends (e.g. telling me that’s impossible because they heard or saw something), but those are alleged statements, and is not viable to heed on.

It’s indisputable that ‘one is not guilty unless proven guilty’. The aspersions are yet to be proven, but I’ve been affected by it; I’m gullible. However now I’m more immune to those ‘concerns’, as those are yet-to-be proven statements, I couldn’t let intangible thoughts stop me from achieving my aim, which is to get her.

Everyone knew the answer (about the chances of getting her), included me, but we just kept quiet. Those are concerns, but whether they are good or bad, I guess time couldn’t really lend me a hand to divulge those concerns from my prying eyes. How would it be if there is even one person to stand in my shoes, to confide something which are hard to describe, to complaint things which are perplexing and unsolvable but keep trying to solve it with mere determinations, sole determination.

(This paragraph is written with no offence) Pray to god again? It would bring me to no avail, after a myriad counts of praying to the almighty, where all my detriments are considered as ‘happened for a reason’ and my good returns are considered as ‘god’s grace’.

I may be good at flattering and placating people, but in relationship, I’m still a novice. I was being told that my time hasn’t come yet (for a relationship), where when my time has come, I don’t even have choice to resist but to succumb to it. But since people are able to make love out of nothing at all, why couldn’t I?

Complaining like a lad, sometimes may cajole myself and even give me confidence. Better than relying on baseless allegations, which will eventually entangle myself into a endless impasse.

What is reality? I had my own definition several years ago, I defined it as “reality is when you find shits happen and good things perish”. Reality is often seek by prying eyes of people, and yet it’s something where people tend to despise it as much as possible. “Reality” is one of the words which got me scratching my head for months just to ponder and squeeze out an effective method to overcome and take control of it.

Somehow I’ve reached an answer, just few minutes right back. For now, I would like to say, why the hell make life miserable and pathetic just to achieve “reality”? Do you realize that those who succeeded in life are those who don’t concede to reality? How many millionaire and successful people are made up of drop outs? You may retort the statement by bringing out that there may not be so many “millionaire”, but try to mull your thoughts again.

The same wise words, life is a journey, but if the journey is from New York to London, then why there are existence of Canada, Iraq, India, China and Japan? The aims of our lives can be achieved in many ways, or shall I say “any” ways and it’s not necessary to be bound with reality. Life is like a climb to the hilltop; challenges get tougher when you’re getting higher, in fact “reality” will not give any boost nor connive at your potency.

When one fails in something he had dedicated, he should be expecting the same advice and encouragement, “buck up” and the most redundant one “face your reality”. What the hell is reality? Does it mean that by facing reality everyone can succeed? One just have to move on and continues his aim and that’s all I think is sufficient to succeed.

As I’ve stated in my previous post, we can’t “right the wrong”. The only “reality” is that we can only move on when things go wrong.

P/S: I like to stand on the dissenting side, or in other words I like to oppose the majority

It’s quite true when Freddie Mercury mentioned that “I’m just a singer with a song, how can I try to right the wrong?”. I realized and concurred that things are meant to proceed on its track; things which are meant to be, are meant to be.

We are depicting a life of singers, life in a limelight, where problems can basically arise out of nothing at all and take its toll on us. Singers, whine through songs, trying their best to convey their feelings to listeners, but songs are usually a come-and-go in our lives. The songs bring their daily predicaments and bliss to the world, but in fact, are there a myriad or a slew of people stood up and offer their hand to fix their elusive matters?

It fits perfectly into our lives, that our whimpers are merely a song, it comes and go. When the song is addictive, listeners will stay, for a while, and go again. Same goes for true friend though, besides a period of “true listening”, they will still move on, unless you’re lucky enough to get a die-hard buddy (which I hoped for since countless ages ago) who serves as your part-time freelancer to placate you. Nonetheless, I believe that one already has enough “pleasure” to solve his own problems, does one really has time to serve as an appeaser?

When a dilemma or an ordeal surfaces, we can’t really do much if things fizzle, can we? Take a student as an example, if he fails his studies, would whimpers and tears bring back the past and amend his mistakes? If he could, this world won’t be as messed up as it seems now, or maybe we could watch Michael Jackson and John Lennon live again.

Remember the “words of wisdom” from Beatles? I guess the best way to move on is to let it be. A real life example, several years ago I messed with my brother’s computer and it caused the presentation file (which he has to submit by the next day) to be corrupted. I was in utter anguish and distraught for my fault, and ended up nearly fainted for “over-depression”. Ironically, he did not expressed any signs of distress, and I finally got to know that he actually made a backup for it. Bummer!

The significance of this post is that we should move on and learn to condone when things don’t seem to go right, the world is already a messed up place to live in and it’s about to get worse. Since people believe in miracles, why can’t they apply it when they are amid clutter?

Move on!