Definition of Life and Memories.

Thanks Ernest (first comment in the last post) for your opinion regarding that you do not believe in “fate”. But I’m giving in to the existence of fate. If it was not fate, you wouldn’t come to my blog, if it was not fate, you wouldn’t seen my last post, if it was not fate, we wouldn’t known to each other.

Today was a breakthrough for me though, have broaden my eyes to many views and also eased off a load of burden off my shoulders. Hahaha I’m making myself like some psycho with tons of problems, actually I take every things in life into consideration, and thus my mind is usually of twice the workload of someone else.

Since ages ago, my mind has been so sophisticated that I planned so well for every actions, every game plan was so perfectly made and any likely outcomes are predicted and I’ve already found a solution before it came to existence. But as I grew older, things are so spontaneous that I couldn’t see them coming and comprehend them one by one. Very unfortunately, my brain continued to do his “task” until a day where I found that this is totally meaningless, and instead, why not let things be how it should be?

For the moment, I’ll just proceed with everything and let fate decides, if my decision is meant to be wrong, there is actually no point squeezing your brain for an answer and ended up with disappointment.

Everyone is distinctly different, particularly with different personalities and attitudes, this is not something with an issue, but today I tried to perceive something in a faithful manner with regards to the word “fate”.

As we are trying to achieve something in life, there is a general presumption that ‘we will make it’. I was made to think scientifically, but this time I made an exception and thought something which is abstract – fate.

After numerous of “it’s fated” and “this is life” revolving around failures, I started to think that if there are some things are fated, that one may be fated to fail, or one may be fated to be successful. The evidence is vividly binding to my mind as there are many successful person, namely Lim Goh Tong, who had actually survived several attempts of death and he had successfully built his casino. And Hitler of course, where there were about 13 assassinations attempted on him and yet he survived again and again.

As a consequence of this thought, I started to take things a little lightly, as in the way that if things are meant to be solved and achieved, they will, and no point abetting and waste a freaking slew of energy on them. The person I loved the most (had passed away), I wouldn’t know if he had a myriad of wishes to be fulfilled, but the god-damned so called “fate” had put an end to his life all out of the blue. I don’t care even if it’s God’s will or some random assumptions, it’s still fate that chose to put an end to his life among billions of people, among billions of causes, among billions of families.

“You are the one who will determine your failure and success”, too bad I can’t concur to this statement. Everyone with great dreams like ourselves does pay some effort to their work, but success based on their will and determination? I don’t think so. Provided the statement is true, can you really be a successful person if you were born in a hardcore poor family and trying to earn millions in your future if fate(e.g. lottery) wasn’t present?

Hence, in pursuing for a friendship and relationship, I won’t be putting blame on anyone or even myself, I’ll just subject myself to fate. I’m not going to make a fool out of myself any more to procure some foolish limelight just to get her attention or whatsoever.

Recently my aunt went for several interviews to pick up a job, and I guess she did not realize the mistake that she had made, a fundamental one. Hahaha

The jobs she is interested are those which requires slight computer knowledge, I have been teaching her for weeks now, and she can now be considered as a computer literate, thanks to me .

But when she told me how she answered the questions during the interview, I gave a big slap on my forehead when she told me her answer for “How well are you with computer?”.

She told me she replied “I don’t know much, I have no knowledge of [some programmes she doesn't know like photoshop], therefore I may not able to comprehend some task”. I am reluctant to say but I wonder which dumb ass on earth would employ her if such answer is given. Although I don’t expect any brilliant answer since she doesn’t attend for any communication skills lesson, but such answer is so obviously to tell someone “hire me at your own risk”. Darn.

However she is good in playing online games, which put me in awe and surprise that how could someone has been playing online games for two years to not know the least basic knowledge of computer?

He can be adamant but feeble,
he can be tough but fragile,
he can move anything tangible but not something intangible,
he can toil over any ordeal but not himself,
he can be unnoticeable but conspicuous,
he can be a tool for resurrection but may send one to the gallows,
he can make one the luckiest person on earth but also make one the victim of his crime.

What is he?

Ahh, have been seeking love for so long till I’ve forgotten what I have been looking for at the start, and now a surge of the feeling that I have longed for made me realized that what I wanted, is already with my possession.

I guess after all what I have been seeking for is attention and care. And hence I misunderstood the whole concept by thinking that only a beloved can grant me that, somehow I was wrong, so wrong which made my life seemed so peculiar for me. Now that I got a bunch of friends being so close, so kind to me and I am so “in love” that the lust of love have all gone, I guess love is not necessarily requires the ingredient of a couple.

On the other way, I am now in a quest of searching for “myself”, due to that long period of blending in friends’ lives to get attention, I am no longer myself now. I spoke for a reason, I approached them for a reason, even my smile has a reason too. This made me sound evil and heinous, but that’s the fact though, no point running away from myself as it has been taking control over me for a long long time. Time to get back on track!

Although his absence is already a long-gone history, his presence was so vividly binding to my mind. Nope, this time is not about my beloved one who passed away, it’s a singer, or shall I say legend, who rocked the world and stumbled upon every one’s heart, for too many times. What strengthens me wasn’t his songs, instead it’s his ordeal, especially when his death was near. The poignant voice he had, has deeply struck into my heart and the voice can really soothe my soul.

He lived his life to the maximum, despite of the disparaging views he had been placed in. He broke every borders, and even achieved beyond more than what he had expected. Since the day I got in touch with his music till now, I’m still cherishing every bite of his words which has built my poise and sanity where no one can do, but only his voice.

“I’m caught in between, with a fading dream”, this sentence has accompanied me for a while now, and I’m still reluctant to ditch it, it’s too valuable and I would be willing to give up everything except the sentence. In the face of it, it may seems ordinary, dull and meaningless. But what if you’re placed in a mishap, an impasse with no way out? In betweenremedy and punishment, the least painful one was death, and no more.

[The person mentioned starting from below is not related to above]
Life may be just one two and three, and most of the things are not even worth to be mentioned of, and it’s not up to me to say that life is short or long, nonetheless, problems will just keep on coming incessantly, if one doesn’t learn to cope with fear and hardships, the upcoming one will be his most painstakingly hard moment of his life. For instance? Myself. When I was young, nothing could be seemed a problem because there will be always the “one” to back me up, I’m the perfectly-made spoiled brat. The first problem I met, was the one where it’s the least thought of and yet the most feared of, death of the “one”.

I cried without tears, screamed without words, and my heart was beating out of time. I was in dismay, trying to go back in time and to amend where things have started to gone awry. The dream I made that night was the longest and darkest, where were the “lecture section” and the chide?

Life is like a fairytale, but when the story has come to an end, that’s the doomsday. It has been some time now, and I have picked up my life and began my journey again, but something is different now, I’ve become much durable now, I’ve had the worst, what else could be worse?

With me being no exception, I have numerous dilemmas ahead of me. People used to tell me “be yourself”, and I had a hard time squeezing my brain for that two words. The essence is if “myself” could sort out the problems, I wouldn’t need to spend time pleading for remedies.

Back to the same topic, I’m still on my way to get the girl I like. As far as I know myself the best, I show tenderness to every friends I have and I never desert them. Although this sounds like bragging about myself, but they are at a higher priority than myself, for instance I did spend my whole night to appease my friend on the night before my finals (I didn’t screw up my exams though ).

There is just a gap between me and her which I knew of the existence but I can’t tell what is it. I totally understand that she has no obligation to be obsessed with me, but however I just don’t know the chasm between me and her which deters me from fostering a close relationship with her. But nonetheless, I still derive satisfaction by watching her smiling and doing well from her back, and will continue to ensure her happiness only until the lust is gone.

While days ago my friend had enlightened me by telling me the fact that “there are millions of them outside, why mingle and linger to only one?”. I lauded his statement, but..if and only if the lust can be eradicated for once and for all.

See, to be frank, I don’t find girlfriend to have sex or to do some intimate talks, what I need is someone to ease my burden off my shoulders, I have too much to tell, with too little words to describe.

Everyone on earth has their own definition on every aspects, including ‘love’. Besides from disclosing every truth that I have been finding for, I realized that the distinct perception in humans has rendered us to devise our own escape instead on harping on other’s idea. In simple words, I used to think that the best advice is from those who went through it before, but I was wrong. Very wrong.

A key is used to unlock a lock, but it may not be able to unlock every lock. A valid example is the way to achieve social proximity. While someone may be good in drawing attention, it does not necessarily means that you or me can do the same too by imitate them.

I just discovered this ‘view’ days ago, while I’ve been thinking why people just can’t be the same, provided the statement ‘nothing is impossible’ to be true. I also remembered when I was so keen to have a girlfriend and I have been asking ways to woo them, it was ended up with thousands of methods in my mind with all of them to no avail. I guess it’s up to us to plan our own escape, while other opinions and advices are merely persuasive to help you. Same goes for studies (another good example), some are good in good memory, whereas some are good in good brain power, hence they just can’t adopt one method which is proven to be the most effective method.

We are a library per se, we own our world of definitions, we view things differently and we deal with it distinctively than others. When we failed an approach, we will seek for another until and the approach which works will be stored permanently in our brain, this how we grow.

Really, what were we looking for after all? Wealth? Girls? Sex? Booze? While people are zealously pursuing their aims, now I have concluded that life is really a dream. One can never be perfect, thus we are said to be living in a world of chaos. I have this sudden surge of feeling within me for no reason, and I am feeling so lonely despite that I have almost what I wanted so long, an ordinary life to live. I have friends, a decent family a good environment for growth, everything for an ordinary person to live an ordinary life.

The reasoning behind this “sudden feeling” is I’ve found out that humans can never achieve a satisfactory outcome, never. This world is created for everyone, hence no one can be satisfied of without being someone made worse off, in simple words, no one can be fully satisfied. Take the most abundant example, money. People are always crazy for money and some resulted to underhanded method to obtain them. After one is rich, he or she will achieves other demand. But when one really got everything, what can he do after that? When you have a heaps of money, houses, girls, everything, what else can you do? When you got your private jet and 20-story bungalow, what else can boost your satisfaction? A 100-story bungalow?

Some may not be money fanatic and they just wanted a so called “ordinary and simple” life. Disregard the likelihood that he or she may be distorted by money factor (e.g. sudden craze for luxury stuff), at times he may be bored of what he has, for instance his wife, his living environment or something else. However, no matter how many wives or houses he changes, he will not derive permanent satisfaction from it.

Actually I’ve been thinking as to “what were we looking for after all”, I wrote a post with similar title long ago but just minutes ago I thought about it again.

Regarding to my opinion (or post), some may say that achieving their aims is the least they can do to achieve satisfaction, or it’s better off than doing nothing and get no satisfaction. There was a saying in old times, “the bigger you get, the most responsibility you have to bear”, assuming that “bigger” refers to possessing more of your aims (e.g. richer, more popularity), then dilemmas will start to haunt you day and night. Take celebrities as example, for eastern countries, celebrities are not in favour of getting married or pregnant, because it may lose their popularity. Hence, they are bound to disguise their true self and sacrificing their dreams to live a personal life. For that reason, isn’t it worse to obtain the satisfaction by losing a fundamental part of your life?

You may think I am making no sense at all because this is life, actually I am just attesting the adversity of life. We all knew that no one is made perfect, but we never accept it. This can be related to “nothing is impossible”. We can achieve what others can, like being an outstanding musician, but if we’re not good at it, there is no point being crazy for it while our hidden talent can actually get us more than what we thought of.

[This paragraph may be sensitive, but it's only limited to my opinion and I apologize if it offends anyone] While for monks and nuns, they may be “made to contribute to the mankind and nothing more”. Ponder it again, while they are contributing to the world without expecting any returns, what are they looking for? I think it’s just meaningless to think themselves “to be born with no aim but to contribute”. Having the knowledge that they are similar to an ordinary person, what can they “contribute” to others while they have nothing at all?

In conclusion, I have no idea what was, and what am I looking for. Achieving a not-so-lonely life is not viable anymore as I’ve lost someone who I can never exchange for what I have right now, or even in my distant future.

P/S: I just felt like spilling what I just felt and thought of out of the blue.

After the mishap broke out in my family, my luck did not turn out very well, it’s as if the world is opposing me. Since 2006, I’ve been encountering numerous troubles up till now. The bad part of it is the challenges are getting tougher as I grow older, and the good side of it is I’m getting more matured and independant as well. To be honest, the life I’m living right now is quite much of what I wished when I was young, just that I did not expect it came to this by a really extraordinary way.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my past, where I live a life like a king, no, more than a king as I have total freedom. In the past, everything in the shopping mall is within my reach, there was no such thing as “cheap” or “expensive”; if I want to buy it, I buy it. I was too pampered I guess, my dad never refrain me from buying anything. From 1 buck till infinity, I can just grab everything and go home. It makes me remember of my trip to Singapore in 2004, where we spent like few thousands within days, buying all sorts of unnecessary things, included PS2.

A glamorous life like celebrities, where you could not possibilly thought that your money will come to an end, was indeed a dream for the entire human race, and I was lucky enough to experience it. Heh I can still remember the funny moment (for me) when my family went to a furniture shop and my mom asked my dad his opinion about a wardrobe, my dad answered “just buy it”. Although it may seemed lame and dull at that time, but now it cracks me up every time I think about it.

I would agree that life is a dream, where one is not feasible to enjoy throughout his or her lifetime. Back to the same old Chinese saying, humans have to go through four stages in life, which are being born, ageing, getting sickness and death. As far as I know, when we get older, the truth is we’re actually getting useless. Think of it, what can we do when we’re around 70? Roller coaster? Some gory and sickening movie such as Saw or Final Destination? No, even a hide-and-seek wouldn’t work.

It has been three years, and I’m standing firm and tall. I would not know if I am to suffer any breakdown in the future, but..while my sanity lasts within me, I’ll be who I am and just playing my role in the history.