Definition of Life and Memories.

Before this, I was working real hard to find “myself” , as I’ve drifted too far away from my original self. For those who don’t know, I did the “finding myself” act was due to that I have too many faces for different people, namely girls, guys, parents, lecturers. Even for guy friends, I changed and acted so differently in front of each of them, I realized that it was because I was finding for acceptance, or in other words, I wasn’t ready to be an outcast, not that early. Until a time when I noticed that although I do have numerous friends, but in fact, the “closeness” between us just don’t exist, and one of my friend told me because they are friends to my “shell”, but not my true self.

After some facelift and confessing, I finally had chosen a “standard” personality for myself, hoping to find people who really like me for being who am I, not the person who I acted. Throughout the reform, my friends kept abet me to insist on being myself, for example if someone dislikes me smoking,I should just tell them that is who I am (which is a smoker) and I should not really being a non-smoker in front of them. Hence if they like me, they are those who accept me for who I really am.

Just now, I had dinner with my friends, they are those who advised me about the “be myself” thing, they are fairly close to me. I have a bad habit, which is to answer indefinitely (e.g. certain times I provide stupid response to what they asked), and it offended one of them actually (since he mentioned it in front of me). And then the thought zap across my mind immediately, wasn’t I decided (and they encouraged me as well) to stay firm with who I am? The situation was kind of awkward when I told them “isn’t this who I am?”.

Before, I kept changing myself to a person where the person approached me will find me comfortable. Now, although it was a bad side of my personality (which may draw off certain person), but isn’t it made me who I am? If I change, wouldn’t I resile to the past? Where I have to change to please, but not pleased to change? I totally understand if it’s something unpleasant like digging the nose in public places which is absolutely repelling, even I couldn’t stand it either.

If he plans to keep a distance from me, is it my fault who possess an attitude which repels him away, or his fault for being too “possessive” of one’s attitude?

Perhaps or may I say that the “changing faces” thing was already me being myself?

Bunch of people are dying lately, and now it affects the close ones of my friends. With no doubt, they are devastated and broken. I guess it’s human nature to keep whining and complaining about calamities they had faced, thus for now I’m going to show you guys something which had left in his diary by someone who died three months ago.

Seconds and minutes and hours, days and weeks and months, why is time passes so fast when it’s happy, and stagnates when it’s in torment? Because of this silly reason, I stopped smiling and make use of every second of my life to not to be happy, wishing the time can stagnate in this moment forever.

One year ago, we were having so much fun in school, we had done so much, and now so little to be written, life is just like a fairy tale, although it never exist. Now I had a little problem with me, it took the life out of me, and I couldn’t make a second smile any more.

What hurt me was not the pain, which was the painstakingly cruel fact in life. When our time has come, do we have no choice but to give up everything that we have? I’m starting to believe that life is just a dream, we can’t occupy something forever, similarly we can’t love someone forever.

I’m having this little problem here, which deprives me of sighting and hearing. It is not death, it is something a little worse than death I suppose. What live in me is just me and my mom beside me, who gave life to this diary.

As I said I am reluctant to be happy even for a while, now the despicable time has brought me to another end of my life, and I’m just waiting for this dilapidated and deteriorated house to just fall upon me, and let this just end for once and for all

The diary was written by a woman called Jessi, she had some disease which impair her ability to listen and see, and thus she had lost her friends because she couldn’t see and know who approached her, moreover she couldn’t even listen to any words her friends had spoken. Fortunately, there was someone who actually approached her and lived with her to give her accompany. Hence she lived with someone without having known of his or her’s companion look, nor they did not live with words, they communicated by touch that’s all.

The last paragraph was written by her about 50-60 years later, where she wrote (with help of someone) that happy moments just dash too quickly till that even for a handicapped person like her, time still passes with the same pace.

So, guys, what do you think? feeling lucky?

Tears rinsed both of my eyes, I can’t bear the feeling of missing you, again. I really want to love you so much, but yet I’m afraid of the consequence of breaking up, which may make our relationship awkward, and I chose not to let you know, and to bear the torment myself.

Almost everything I see, I can relate it back to you, your charming look, your second smile and your passionate voice. I want to love you, no word can describe the feeling I’m bearing now, it’s even worse than death, where there is no longer existence of thoughts.

My heart is already broken until it is not possible to be broken again, tell me, what do I do with my heart which is caused by you?

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin’ apart
I know what I’ll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I won’t hold you back
I won’t stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

If only love is everlasting, this decrepit soul of me would not be entangled in an endless impasse…..

I was browsing my contact list in my phone recently, the list was repeatedly gone through again and again, and something came into my mind – who can I really talk to? Someone who willing to listen? Someone trustworthy? Someone who would give advice? Or someone who will understands you and keep track of your problems? Then here comes the “deep thought” again – what is actually a friend?

When comes to knowing new friends, I don’t pick, I just take what it comes. Now that I have hundreds of friends, but when come to desperate times, none is useful. I try not to sound like I’m a “controller” or “advantage taker” here, but when you are really in a deep mess, friends will become “idle”, and you can hear all sorts of not-very-convincing replies.

Someone told me before, one useful friend is better than 100 useless friends. It’s true however nonetheless, won’t you have a surge of guilt to keep bugging one person? Imagine someone keep giving you their load, you’re as if living a life of two persons, and at a point you will feel this is completely meaningless then when the boiling point is reached, he or she will then loses a useful friend.

Sometimes it’s not sure if we should put the blame on those who refuse to help a friend out. We are not obliged to help anyone, and it’s not a betrayal of trust nor friendship to not to help someone, albeit they may be in their greatest ordeal. And hence who is to put to blame? The one who refuses to help or the one who got the wrong friend?

The statement of “give and take” has suddenly become irrelevant. Humans are not God, they only take but they rarely give. However, to what extend do they have to “give”? Can a “good luck” considered as a “give”?

While some derive satisfaction from speaking and acting flamboyantly in front of friends, they are not at fault too, but people tend to put them into the “bitchy” category. I’ve had enough of “I’ve had enough” words from people but what is there to do? It’s a norm for us, and we are cunning and ignorant, don’t we?

Countless times we’ve heard that their boyfriend or girlfriend are not giving enough freedom to them, it seems like when there’s love, there’s an excessive protection given to them which often lead to a burdensome love. I guess I’m loving someone now, and I intend to protect her with all I have. Love can exist by itself, it doesn’t need any “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” title nor confession to let him or her to know.

But some say love is to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. I failed to give myself a satisfactory answer when I asked myself, I can’t give her wings when she belongs to me, I just can’t. As such, I decided to just keep a distance and be her silent bodyguard.

I used to crave for relationship, kept thinking that how sweet will it be to have someone having you in mind all the time. Unfortunately I don’t think it will last long and it’s not worth for the time and effort, albeit sweet and lovely. Even the strongest everlasting love can break, I do not think that a mere “I love you” bond can last, perhaps not even for a while. Mutual breakup is desirable and is always prayed to happen, but only God knows when if it is to happen.

Therefore, I have been and will be watching her back all the time, I guess that’s the best way to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. Furthermore, I feel comfortable with it..so..that’s the way I will keep it, at least for a while.

Thanks Ernest (first comment in the last post) for your opinion regarding that you do not believe in “fate”. But I’m giving in to the existence of fate. If it was not fate, you wouldn’t come to my blog, if it was not fate, you wouldn’t seen my last post, if it was not fate, we wouldn’t known to each other.

Today was a breakthrough for me though, have broaden my eyes to many views and also eased off a load of burden off my shoulders. Hahaha I’m making myself like some psycho with tons of problems, actually I take every things in life into consideration, and thus my mind is usually of twice the workload of someone else.

Since ages ago, my mind has been so sophisticated that I planned so well for every actions, every game plan was so perfectly made and any likely outcomes are predicted and I’ve already found a solution before it came to existence. But as I grew older, things are so spontaneous that I couldn’t see them coming and comprehend them one by one. Very unfortunately, my brain continued to do his “task” until a day where I found that this is totally meaningless, and instead, why not let things be how it should be?

For the moment, I’ll just proceed with everything and let fate decides, if my decision is meant to be wrong, there is actually no point squeezing your brain for an answer and ended up with disappointment.

Everyone is distinctly different, particularly with different personalities and attitudes, this is not something with an issue, but today I tried to perceive something in a faithful manner with regards to the word “fate”.

As we are trying to achieve something in life, there is a general presumption that ‘we will make it’. I was made to think scientifically, but this time I made an exception and thought something which is abstract – fate.

After numerous of “it’s fated” and “this is life” revolving around failures, I started to think that if there are some things are fated, that one may be fated to fail, or one may be fated to be successful. The evidence is vividly binding to my mind as there are many successful person, namely Lim Goh Tong, who had actually survived several attempts of death and he had successfully built his casino. And Hitler of course, where there were about 13 assassinations attempted on him and yet he survived again and again.

As a consequence of this thought, I started to take things a little lightly, as in the way that if things are meant to be solved and achieved, they will, and no point abetting and waste a freaking slew of energy on them. The person I loved the most (had passed away), I wouldn’t know if he had a myriad of wishes to be fulfilled, but the god-damned so called “fate” had put an end to his life all out of the blue. I don’t care even if it’s God’s will or some random assumptions, it’s still fate that chose to put an end to his life among billions of people, among billions of causes, among billions of families.

“You are the one who will determine your failure and success”, too bad I can’t concur to this statement. Everyone with great dreams like ourselves does pay some effort to their work, but success based on their will and determination? I don’t think so. Provided the statement is true, can you really be a successful person if you were born in a hardcore poor family and trying to earn millions in your future if fate(e.g. lottery) wasn’t present?

Hence, in pursuing for a friendship and relationship, I won’t be putting blame on anyone or even myself, I’ll just subject myself to fate. I’m not going to make a fool out of myself any more to procure some foolish limelight just to get her attention or whatsoever.

Recently my aunt went for several interviews to pick up a job, and I guess she did not realize the mistake that she had made, a fundamental one. Hahaha

The jobs she is interested are those which requires slight computer knowledge, I have been teaching her for weeks now, and she can now be considered as a computer literate, thanks to me .

But when she told me how she answered the questions during the interview, I gave a big slap on my forehead when she told me her answer for “How well are you with computer?”.

She told me she replied “I don’t know much, I have no knowledge of [some programmes she doesn't know like photoshop], therefore I may not able to comprehend some task”. I am reluctant to say but I wonder which dumb ass on earth would employ her if such answer is given. Although I don’t expect any brilliant answer since she doesn’t attend for any communication skills lesson, but such answer is so obviously to tell someone “hire me at your own risk”. Darn.

However she is good in playing online games, which put me in awe and surprise that how could someone has been playing online games for two years to not know the least basic knowledge of computer?

He can be adamant but feeble,
he can be tough but fragile,
he can move anything tangible but not something intangible,
he can toil over any ordeal but not himself,
he can be unnoticeable but conspicuous,
he can be a tool for resurrection but may send one to the gallows,
he can make one the luckiest person on earth but also make one the victim of his crime.

What is he?

Ahh, have been seeking love for so long till I’ve forgotten what I have been looking for at the start, and now a surge of the feeling that I have longed for made me realized that what I wanted, is already with my possession.

I guess after all what I have been seeking for is attention and care. And hence I misunderstood the whole concept by thinking that only a beloved can grant me that, somehow I was wrong, so wrong which made my life seemed so peculiar for me. Now that I got a bunch of friends being so close, so kind to me and I am so “in love” that the lust of love have all gone, I guess love is not necessarily requires the ingredient of a couple.

On the other way, I am now in a quest of searching for “myself”, due to that long period of blending in friends’ lives to get attention, I am no longer myself now. I spoke for a reason, I approached them for a reason, even my smile has a reason too. This made me sound evil and heinous, but that’s the fact though, no point running away from myself as it has been taking control over me for a long long time. Time to get back on track!