Definition of Life and Memories.

The dilemma that has been revolving around me for ages, has cracked itself open- I’ve wasted heaps of energy to fix that, not knowing that the answer has always been there.

It’s regarding the “too much acting” problem, where I thought that the major problem of the widening distance between my friend and I was because I was “acting” too much, displaying too much faces which caused me to even fail to recognize who I really am. Therefore I was really obsessed with the “finding myself” thing, where it was completely unnecessary.

But well, the answer is that I don’t even need to find myself, that is who I am already. If I’m a sly, so be it; if I’m a thief, then let justice takes care of me. As long as I am happy with myself, why create a discord to myself as there is no need to make a change. No matter how brilliant, innocent, wise, prudent, docile you are, it is inevitable to have enemies, namely those who jealous, and similarly, you will have your BFF, your buddies to remember you to death, no worries!

As I’m always involved in debates, I’ve spent a huge portion of my holiday to ascertain the methods I’ve collected to succeed in “mind games” (e.g. debate, battle, argument) and it has been fruitful. I’ll divulge some of the methods I found useful. Since there are a heap to tell, I’ll categorize them by chapters.

Chapter one – Defence is the best offence

Usually in a spontaneous debate on general occasions, we used to just spill out every points in order to win. Many have the mindset that the more points you have, the more chances you are having the upper hand, but it may not be true (as far as I’ve known).

For instance, one has given 10 points why earth is a good place to stay, provided that he gave 9 valid points, and one precarious point, vulnerable to be trounced, he’s gone. When the other party question the validity of the dubious point, the spotlight will then be shed on that point, if the person who brought out the point fails to defend his stand, then his previous 9 formidable points will be vanished. Even in a debate where victory is on the person who procure the most points, one’s chances of victory may be in stake if his spear is turned towards himself.

By using other’s points to build your stand, you could be invulnerable. Usually what we hear in a lecture or a “wise man say”, we will ponder it thoroughly after hearing it, like regurgitating what have been told and finally attest it’s validity based on one’s discretion. If your points are made up by your own brainstorm, without proper “filtering”, you are probably to utter things that are questionable which are disadvantageous to you. Hence if you use other’s offence as yours too, the points in doubt will be referred to the other, not you.

To further beleaguer the opponent, play complete defence. Do not expose yourself to the slightest risk by promoting your points, keep create doubt on your opponent’s points. Creating doubt is ultimately easy by being a “third party” or the listener. As a listener, they are keen to know more about what you said, even it’s something plain and obvious. For example if the topic is about whether a random country is polluted (e.g. air, noise). If you say the particular country is polluted due to excessive amount of cars, listeners actually appreciate if you could provide more about it, like what is the total carbon emission. When you started to create doubts or uncertainty in opponent’s view, listeners will usually create more doubts to themselves.

This can be used on any occasion and not necessarily confined to debates. Another good example is a fight. When you are the one who receive the first punch, you can always bring out “self defence” as your defence.

If life is depicted as a journey on a road, it’s true at some point we have to make a decision, namely yes, or no. If you have not travelled the path you chosen far enough, you are still able to resile and return to the split path and take the other route, but the consequence is that you will be left behind by your peers.

When it came time to make decision, I used to ponder too much until I can’t stand firm with my decision. Before making a decision, I will weigh up the pro and cons so that I won’t make a wrong choice, it’s according to the Chinese idiom where it tells one to think three times before proceed. Perhaps I made more than “three times”, thus it disrupted my initial thought and point of view.

Hence in my conversations, (it’s my habit that) I don’t really provide an unequivocal answer. For instance when someone asked me if there is class on the next day, I will answer “should be” or “probably” or “I think so” even if I’m very certain with the answer. Subsequently this attitude pissed some people off, but I do afraid if my answer or reply might be wrong and will mislead their plans to go awry.

Now I’ve come to another split path where I have to choose whether to ditch a friend or not, this friend has a great influence in me and I can feel I’m slowly adapting and adopting to his method of living, as in personality and attitude. I nearly started to smoke because of him. Friends have been asking me to keep away from him as they told me that I am slowly drifting apart from who I am. I actually decided to ditch him long ago, but the problem keep revolves about the same question – whether to ditch him or not. This friend did enlighten me in some of my personal issues and unshackle some of my thoughts, and I’m still considering now whether…

As some of you may know, I like to hear and share my friends’ burden since young. The best form of help that I could provide is only advice. Burden and problems are something tangible for me, when I get to know about about people’s problem, their burden will accrue to myself and I am feeling meaningless to do all this.

I experienced it before, when you are desperately in need of a hand or a ear, everyone will be out of reach, or you will suddenly have a thought that the world is opposing you. I may still be considered young, but I’m old enough to sort out my problems myself, somehow it’s still congenial if someone out there is willing to bear the burden for you. Hence I rarely decline request from friends.

Nonetheless, I’m getting tired from doing all this. I am just an ordinary human and I have my limit, no one is out there giving a damn to my problems, should I retire from all this mess I done to myself?

I can be one’s Valentino, I can be one’s God, I can be one’s parents, but deep in myself I’m an evil person, I can’t disclose any further than that. I commit and conspire things subtly, I live in the dark.

Recently I’ve been starting to experience what is “life”, and yes it was astonishing. Let me trace back what I’ve done these weeks, hmm, I guess hanging out in cyber cafe and pool are something cliche to be mentioned of, perhaps hanging out on a bridge would tickle your brain?

Yeah, I have been doing something silly with friends these days, something where people don’t normally do, trying to make use of every second in our life to the maximum. Last week my friends and I were actually hanging out on the bridge in front of Putrajaya office, the Prime Minister office. No one is allowed to stop and park on the bridge, I guess the legislation doesn’t apply on…5am on the morning? Haha it was fun to chit chat and talk craps with friends there, a feeling which only can be told through actual experience. For your information, we actually left our packets of drinks there when we left, yes, very unethical of a Malaysian citizen.

There were so many crazy things I’ve done but I can’t remember any except the bridge one. Time passes so fast when we’re enjoying it, but stagnates when we’re suffering. Nevertheless, every second passes is every second we lose in our life, better enjoy it now before our time has come eh? Haha

Before this, I was working real hard to find “myself” , as I’ve drifted too far away from my original self. For those who don’t know, I did the “finding myself” act was due to that I have too many faces for different people, namely girls, guys, parents, lecturers. Even for guy friends, I changed and acted so differently in front of each of them, I realized that it was because I was finding for acceptance, or in other words, I wasn’t ready to be an outcast, not that early. Until a time when I noticed that although I do have numerous friends, but in fact, the “closeness” between us just don’t exist, and one of my friend told me because they are friends to my “shell”, but not my true self.

After some facelift and confessing, I finally had chosen a “standard” personality for myself, hoping to find people who really like me for being who am I, not the person who I acted. Throughout the reform, my friends kept abet me to insist on being myself, for example if someone dislikes me smoking,I should just tell them that is who I am (which is a smoker) and I should not really being a non-smoker in front of them. Hence if they like me, they are those who accept me for who I really am.

Just now, I had dinner with my friends, they are those who advised me about the “be myself” thing, they are fairly close to me. I have a bad habit, which is to answer indefinitely (e.g. certain times I provide stupid response to what they asked), and it offended one of them actually (since he mentioned it in front of me). And then the thought zap across my mind immediately, wasn’t I decided (and they encouraged me as well) to stay firm with who I am? The situation was kind of awkward when I told them “isn’t this who I am?”.

Before, I kept changing myself to a person where the person approached me will find me comfortable. Now, although it was a bad side of my personality (which may draw off certain person), but isn’t it made me who I am? If I change, wouldn’t I resile to the past? Where I have to change to please, but not pleased to change? I totally understand if it’s something unpleasant like digging the nose in public places which is absolutely repelling, even I couldn’t stand it either.

If he plans to keep a distance from me, is it my fault who possess an attitude which repels him away, or his fault for being too “possessive” of one’s attitude?

Perhaps or may I say that the “changing faces” thing was already me being myself?

Bunch of people are dying lately, and now it affects the close ones of my friends. With no doubt, they are devastated and broken. I guess it’s human nature to keep whining and complaining about calamities they had faced, thus for now I’m going to show you guys something which had left in his diary by someone who died three months ago.

Seconds and minutes and hours, days and weeks and months, why is time passes so fast when it’s happy, and stagnates when it’s in torment? Because of this silly reason, I stopped smiling and make use of every second of my life to not to be happy, wishing the time can stagnate in this moment forever.

One year ago, we were having so much fun in school, we had done so much, and now so little to be written, life is just like a fairy tale, although it never exist. Now I had a little problem with me, it took the life out of me, and I couldn’t make a second smile any more.

What hurt me was not the pain, which was the painstakingly cruel fact in life. When our time has come, do we have no choice but to give up everything that we have? I’m starting to believe that life is just a dream, we can’t occupy something forever, similarly we can’t love someone forever.

I’m having this little problem here, which deprives me of sighting and hearing. It is not death, it is something a little worse than death I suppose. What live in me is just me and my mom beside me, who gave life to this diary.

As I said I am reluctant to be happy even for a while, now the despicable time has brought me to another end of my life, and I’m just waiting for this dilapidated and deteriorated house to just fall upon me, and let this just end for once and for all

The diary was written by a woman called Jessi, she had some disease which impair her ability to listen and see, and thus she had lost her friends because she couldn’t see and know who approached her, moreover she couldn’t even listen to any words her friends had spoken. Fortunately, there was someone who actually approached her and lived with her to give her accompany. Hence she lived with someone without having known of his or her’s companion look, nor they did not live with words, they communicated by touch that’s all.

The last paragraph was written by her about 50-60 years later, where she wrote (with help of someone) that happy moments just dash too quickly till that even for a handicapped person like her, time still passes with the same pace.

So, guys, what do you think? feeling lucky?

Tears rinsed both of my eyes, I can’t bear the feeling of missing you, again. I really want to love you so much, but yet I’m afraid of the consequence of breaking up, which may make our relationship awkward, and I chose not to let you know, and to bear the torment myself.

Almost everything I see, I can relate it back to you, your charming look, your second smile and your passionate voice. I want to love you, no word can describe the feeling I’m bearing now, it’s even worse than death, where there is no longer existence of thoughts.

My heart is already broken until it is not possible to be broken again, tell me, what do I do with my heart which is caused by you?

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin’ apart
I know what I’ll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I won’t hold you back
I won’t stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

If only love is everlasting, this decrepit soul of me would not be entangled in an endless impasse…..

I was browsing my contact list in my phone recently, the list was repeatedly gone through again and again, and something came into my mind – who can I really talk to? Someone who willing to listen? Someone trustworthy? Someone who would give advice? Or someone who will understands you and keep track of your problems? Then here comes the “deep thought” again – what is actually a friend?

When comes to knowing new friends, I don’t pick, I just take what it comes. Now that I have hundreds of friends, but when come to desperate times, none is useful. I try not to sound like I’m a “controller” or “advantage taker” here, but when you are really in a deep mess, friends will become “idle”, and you can hear all sorts of not-very-convincing replies.

Someone told me before, one useful friend is better than 100 useless friends. It’s true however nonetheless, won’t you have a surge of guilt to keep bugging one person? Imagine someone keep giving you their load, you’re as if living a life of two persons, and at a point you will feel this is completely meaningless then when the boiling point is reached, he or she will then loses a useful friend.

Sometimes it’s not sure if we should put the blame on those who refuse to help a friend out. We are not obliged to help anyone, and it’s not a betrayal of trust nor friendship to not to help someone, albeit they may be in their greatest ordeal. And hence who is to put to blame? The one who refuses to help or the one who got the wrong friend?

The statement of “give and take” has suddenly become irrelevant. Humans are not God, they only take but they rarely give. However, to what extend do they have to “give”? Can a “good luck” considered as a “give”?

While some derive satisfaction from speaking and acting flamboyantly in front of friends, they are not at fault too, but people tend to put them into the “bitchy” category. I’ve had enough of “I’ve had enough” words from people but what is there to do? It’s a norm for us, and we are cunning and ignorant, don’t we?

Countless times we’ve heard that their boyfriend or girlfriend are not giving enough freedom to them, it seems like when there’s love, there’s an excessive protection given to them which often lead to a burdensome love. I guess I’m loving someone now, and I intend to protect her with all I have. Love can exist by itself, it doesn’t need any “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” title nor confession to let him or her to know.

But some say love is to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. I failed to give myself a satisfactory answer when I asked myself, I can’t give her wings when she belongs to me, I just can’t. As such, I decided to just keep a distance and be her silent bodyguard.

I used to crave for relationship, kept thinking that how sweet will it be to have someone having you in mind all the time. Unfortunately I don’t think it will last long and it’s not worth for the time and effort, albeit sweet and lovely. Even the strongest everlasting love can break, I do not think that a mere “I love you” bond can last, perhaps not even for a while. Mutual breakup is desirable and is always prayed to happen, but only God knows when if it is to happen.

Therefore, I have been and will be watching her back all the time, I guess that’s the best way to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. Furthermore, I feel comfortable with it..so..that’s the way I will keep it, at least for a while.