Definition of Life and Memories.

Before this, I was working real hard to find “myself” , as I’ve drifted too far away from my original self. For those who don’t know, I did the “finding myself” act was due to that I have too many faces for different people, namely girls, guys, parents, lecturers. Even for guy friends, I changed and acted so differently in front of each of them, I realized that it was because I was finding for acceptance, or in other words, I wasn’t ready to be an outcast, not that early. Until a time when I noticed that although I do have numerous friends, but in fact, the “closeness” between us just don’t exist, and one of my friend told me because they are friends to my “shell”, but not my true self.

After some facelift and confessing, I finally had chosen a “standard” personality for myself, hoping to find people who really like me for being who am I, not the person who I acted. Throughout the reform, my friends kept abet me to insist on being myself, for example if someone dislikes me smoking,I should just tell them that is who I am (which is a smoker) and I should not really being a non-smoker in front of them. Hence if they like me, they are those who accept me for who I really am.

Just now, I had dinner with my friends, they are those who advised me about the “be myself” thing, they are fairly close to me. I have a bad habit, which is to answer indefinitely (e.g. certain times I provide stupid response to what they asked), and it offended one of them actually (since he mentioned it in front of me). And then the thought zap across my mind immediately, wasn’t I decided (and they encouraged me as well) to stay firm with who I am? The situation was kind of awkward when I told them “isn’t this who I am?”.

Before, I kept changing myself to a person where the person approached me will find me comfortable. Now, although it was a bad side of my personality (which may draw off certain person), but isn’t it made me who I am? If I change, wouldn’t I resile to the past? Where I have to change to please, but not pleased to change? I totally understand if it’s something unpleasant like digging the nose in public places which is absolutely repelling, even I couldn’t stand it either.

If he plans to keep a distance from me, is it my fault who possess an attitude which repels him away, or his fault for being too “possessive” of one’s attitude?

Perhaps or may I say that the “changing faces” thing was already me being myself?