Definition of Life and Memories.

Note: I’m not being emo, distraught or insane, just expressing what I have just found out minutes ago.

I have a slew of thoughtful and far-sighted plans everyday, and yet none came true until I just realized at this very moment. I guess that is what called a failure, being failed to fulfil what the plans were set by me. Love, studies, friends, too much mistakes have been done and although they are a solid fact, I am still regretting for how worthless and reckless I was in my past.

Plans, I laid out, planned with bustling and vibrant enthusiast to complete it, ended up with fruitless and futile results. I thought I was supposed to completely put to blame on myself for the failures, but then again, it’s not very easy to conduct and make a plan succeed. It takes courage and luck into account. It is always easy to say,

“Just go for it, what is there to be afraid of?”

“After this trial, your fear will be quenched, long gone”

“Why others can do it while I can’t? All it takes it just a go”

These encouragements used to grow repugnantly when I was trying to get a plan come true, but at the end I realized, a courage is not just a good-to-go ready-made strength, you may refute my point of view, but you will surely understand when you’re in my shoes. I had a girlfriend in the past and it isn’t I am the one who confessed, so I have not tried confessing yet, and therefore it’s like a myriad of hearts beating in my body when I am trying to speak to the girl I like, it’s frightening, yet anguish to see how failure I am

For a strange reason, she’s getting adorable and charming as days pass. Her cute face is inevitably for me to stop looking at her. I’ll embrace my courage and start dating her out. I am inspired by my own post though, saying that “You don’t win until you win”, I’m giving out my first attempt, soon enough. It’s still a mystery whether I will be steadfast or calm and composed, I guess it’ll depends when time comes.

And also, thanks for the opinions and advices (and some tips as well ) that you guys have been giving me despite I have a never ending flow of questions in my mind.

Objective of 2009, to get her!

God did not grant mercy against me last night, for the first time, I recognized you among the faces of mosaic. So close, we were so close. How I wish I could die for that sweetest moment, if I was given a chance to do so.

Smeared, the love senses on my brain. Torn, the provisions of the eyes. Love, the inducement to the sacrifices.

That one day of love, is better than a living a lifetime alone. That sentimental smile is like a shooting star right through my heart. I’m crippled, fallen apart and pummelled by your sweet jealousy, my tears gushed out, praying to that incompetent almighty immortal that you should live.

At times of troubles, my heart cries out to your heart. (Ref. 2C of MMU)

So much left unspoken, but all I wish is only to stood by a distance, witnessing every glorious history of you that will be made.

Today in class, without your knowing, I’ve been converging my sights into you, for a very long while, boring I would not say, but interesting was a more suitable word for me to use.

You smiles melted my heart, it disfigured my heart and shaped it to a real heart shape, where only you and I know the best how does it looks like.

I fostered the passion with a little bit more imagination, picturing the footsteps of us hovering over the floor we used to walk together, hand holding hand, feeling the warmth of your palm, together reconcile a love we hope for with the prayers of the blinding sun rays, as a witness of our ignited love.

Your look, innocent but devilish, where I could never comprehend what you’re going to tell me next, could it be a myriad of love letters through the love particles surrounding us? Or could it be a deafening, but gentle curse?

I’ve figured this motivation method when my friend was having doubts on himself to get a girl. Just a little motivation.

Ask yourself, Do you want to be with her/him?

If yes, proceed to second question, if no, forget and never mention about him/her anymore

Do you want her/him to be with you?

If yes, proceed to next question, if no, forget and never mention about him/her anymore

Would you let her/him go and watch her/him be with her partner but not you?

If yes, forget and never mention about him/her anymore, if no, proceed.

Would you let your fear and shy halt your desire to be with her/him?

If yes, forget and never mention about her/him anymore, if no, proceed.

Congratulations if you’ve reached here. You want her/him, you need her/him, you want to be with her/him, and you’ve made your mind clear, now go get her/him.

So bitter that the dawn lost,
condescending purposes for his task,
Pending, pending, and pending,
Until the beacon of light shines by,
‘Why, my dear?’ it asked, again and again.

Miraculous sounded ridiculous,
And ridiculous had it purposes,
‘Why, my dear?’ was questioned,
the place, the people, or the heart?
Was it you or it is just me?

The shore is stoned by the beats,
While the leaves are danced by the wind,
A never ending effort so does a never ending motion,
Perhaps passion was not hot enough,
To alter the outcome.

I’m drown into the pit of love again

As a granted human being like you and me, we used to be too complacent and overrated ourselves. This statement can be proved by just looking around your mates, find out one who acted like he (or she) is always right while others are never correct. I do not even dare to give a constructive criticism because I’m not any better too. Assuming people around you are worthless pathetic, but before clarifying that can you provide a valid reason to claim yourself as the most righteous person on earth? Come on let’s get grown up, something you hate isn’t something wrong, same goes as something you like isn’t necessarily correct.

I have this friend (girl) who is very similar to the statement I am trying to proof above. Critiques from her are continuous and restless towards almost everything she get in touch with. Although she does the same to me by keep teasing me fat while she doesn’t know it’s really getting annoying and insulting when time passes, I never tease her. This is because I have no rights to do so, I am not perfect, not even someone compared to a decent person.

Note: I am not as good as what my appearance tells you. I sin more than people do.

Sometimes you can also see some people spilling contradicting words by pointing out people’s mistake and keep discriminating it while he himself is possessing the same mistake too. These people have completely no idea what are they doing, in the end they will get teased and despise.

Along the years of high school life it has been great and devilish in times. I’m not sure if I’m born to be live with trouble, in fact I am the one who always get into trouble. Somehow every time when I’ve ran out of ideas to face with my ordeal, those mess will always got rendered regardless how crucial they are.

I’ve always been thinking, is there an inner strength in me which has been supporting me along the dilemmas and ordeals since I was young? Or I was built on the hands on God which I will never fall in any circumstances?

This strength, I couldn’t measure how enormous it is, maybe it can even grant me a ‘sixth-sense’ ability, who knows? I am granted. This strength might be just seemingly true, but if it is then I couldn’t get back up every time when I got knocked up.

I don’t used to believe in things that requires a whole lot of faith to get it present, for instance the existance of God which draws me into confusion and frustration when I try to get it embedded into my life.

So for now, apart from living on for my parents and future, I will also move along for this inner strength of mine, hoping that someday the truth will be revealed which is apparently impossible.

Here I arrived,
to a place where amphoterism exist,
intrinsic worth of sand,
diminish, yet uncountable,
beautiful, yet malignant.

Until the midst of nowhere,
the cloud and the sun were questioned,
Till the flame faded off,
They realized that faith was the key.

Meaning:
I just arrived to this new place, where I can get to know more people of the opposite sex. Different qualities and personalities are embedded into each person, the good ones may be hard to be noticed,  in fact they are everywhere; the bad ones are usually attractive, but harmful.

After a period of time, there will be doubts by one of the partner, and usually couples choose to break up instead of listening to their faith.

Life, the journey,
with monochromatic colors and butterflies,
accompanied by icy white and overjoyed red,
isn’t it perfect?

It is set, flattened, and furnished.
and yet pointless borders are drawn,
out of the guidance,
what worst could it be?
judged by headless beings,
the execution is just a heartbeat away.

Granted the best by Him,
where mercy always stands,
but if ignorance dominates,
the pit is dug.

Meaning:
Life supposed to be a road of joy with full of surprises and happiness, with four seasons to keep one from getting bored for all the time. The road is already designed and planned well by one’s creator, but still ignorance tempted one to go explore something which is unnecessary. Drugs, pills, and simple minded acts will finally put one into court that the chances of seeing the light again is very fine, and being sentenced to death has already predicted. We are being granted a brain which enable us to see the world more colorfully, and the brain is smart enough to get us through all odds, but if the ignorance could not be suppressed it means one has already dug a pit for himself.