Definition of Life and Memories.

“How is it there in heaven? Is it raining, and do you want us to cry?” I would like to say it to him, in fact, I never had the chance to say what I wanted to say after all. When he was around, I used to conceal my weep inside myself, trying to pretend a big boy out of me. I thought I was grown up and standing by myself, but I thought wrong. I want to tell him that I need him so much, so much in my life that no one but him, can pave such a well-made path for me.

Another tricky situation, and I get to indulge myself in my nostalgic memories. Now I can only seek his help through reminiscing the past; he is no longer my mastermind. He made me a loneranger albeit he didn’t intend to do so. I have just no one but him to sulk, cry, complaint, blame or anything. My dummy has gone, long time ago, far far away. I’m drenched in my dilapidated shell.

Just asking, if, if you remember, that embrace I gave you where I’ve forgotten how long has it been. Let me unveil to you now, that was my greatest memories of you and me that I’m having now, I’m writing it here because I don’t want to forget it, be it next minute or in the future. There’s no guarantee that I’ll keep this in mind forever, because our lives are just forsaken by the heinous ones, even the One.

I never treasure your existence, and never even hoped for your existence. You always had the upper hand, you always kill the conversation. I got you now, we communicated without words. We told each other through our mind, we never spoke about it. Even till the journey’s end, you still kept it to yourself, you silly bastard.

I’m crying so badly now, as to what am I crying for, I don’t know, and I wouldn’t know. You’re not here any more, so who am I weeping for? You shaped me and dismembered me, you’re the greatest person in my life, as well as the person I hated the most. You made me pay a due which I am bound to it forever, an indefinite amount which will last till my last breathe, what for? I ask, what for?

No one I could lean, no one I could confide, it’s like a passing song; they are here and then they are gone. How can I try to escape, while I’m caught in between with a fading dream? It will be an impasse which I will be forever enclosed within.

Ironically, I had found the dark side of ‘concern’ while pondering all the ‘concerns’ I’ve gotten. It’s about my quest to get a girl.

It is a fact that among the concerns, there are obscure ones, but I think that if I apply those concerns, my confidence and faith will be succumbed to nothing. I’ve had heard numerous advice and concerns from her friends (e.g. telling me that’s impossible because they heard or saw something), but those are alleged statements, and is not viable to heed on.

It’s indisputable that ‘one is not guilty unless proven guilty’. The aspersions are yet to be proven, but I’ve been affected by it; I’m gullible. However now I’m more immune to those ‘concerns’, as those are yet-to-be proven statements, I couldn’t let intangible thoughts stop me from achieving my aim, which is to get her.

Everyone knew the answer (about the chances of getting her), included me, but we just kept quiet. Those are concerns, but whether they are good or bad, I guess time couldn’t really lend me a hand to divulge those concerns from my prying eyes. How would it be if there is even one person to stand in my shoes, to confide something which are hard to describe, to complaint things which are perplexing and unsolvable but keep trying to solve it with mere determinations, sole determination.

(This paragraph is written with no offence) Pray to god again? It would bring me to no avail, after a myriad counts of praying to the almighty, where all my detriments are considered as ‘happened for a reason’ and my good returns are considered as ‘god’s grace’.

I may be good at flattering and placating people, but in relationship, I’m still a novice. I was being told that my time hasn’t come yet (for a relationship), where when my time has come, I don’t even have choice to resist but to succumb to it. But since people are able to make love out of nothing at all, why couldn’t I?

Complaining like a lad, sometimes may cajole myself and even give me confidence. Better than relying on baseless allegations, which will eventually entangle myself into a endless impasse.

I’ve been accomplishing numerous aims, but yet there are some things I am still not able to reach. Is it just fate, or I’m not taking enough initiatives to complete my long-hungered future? My world has never been tranquil, and it’s about to get worse.

It’s hilarious and yet embarrassing to say that I’ve lashed out a slew of attempts to get a friend, a close friend. However, there is no one I could really confide my secrets with, I would like to ask the wretched God where my faith can never reach him, are humans made to unveil anything that get into their ears?

Friends, what are they for?

I fell in love, and I got fooled every time in love.

I care for friends, and I got pranked and fooled. Fuck, is friends really that important? I never get tired from placate, console, and advice my friends and yet I got played again and again.

I share my secrets; I entrusted my friends. And I never get to salvage back one of my friends who held my secrets.

I have given out too much care and love for friends, and I have received twice the torment. What I thought friends are the foundation of my life, I thought wrong. Even my so called “true friend”, had got to by back and bludgeoned me to death without a question of mercy.

There was once I unleashed my inner anger and got irate, I thought of avenging every single fault the so called “friends” have done to me, but then again those hypocrite made a sudden facelift and placate me. Sir, I am not born to be dominated, I am kind but not a fool.

I dedicated this song to my favourite and the best singer in history – Freddie Mercury. He’s the lead vocalist of Queen but passed away on 1991, the year which I was born. Love you Freddie.

Every time when things go wrong I will just play this song, picturing in my mind how much tougher than Freddie had gone through

Title: In My Defence
Singer: Freddie Mercury (Queen)

In my defence what is there to say
All the mistakes we made must be faced today
It’s not easy now knowing where to start
While the world we love tears itself apart

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
For just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream

In my defence what is there to say
We destroy the love, it’s our way
We never listen enough, never face the truth
Then like a passing song, love is here and then it’s gone

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
For just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
I’m just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream
Caught in between, with a fading dream
Caught in between, with a fading dream

Oh what on earth, oh what on earth
How do I try, do we live or die
Oh help me God, please help me

After the total face lift, I’m not in a place to choose who I want to be with, it’s moulded and set. I can’t communicate with my old gang any longer without bringing out my former impression. It’s done.

The new Nick accepts speech differently, he finds foul words intimidating and insulting. Should I revert back to the old me, or live on with my new path? But the old me did gain acceptance among friends, and happiness as well, it made me more of a prominent person which I am hunger for it since primary school.

I brought out this concept several days ago, which is in your life, you’re the decision-maker, you’re the one who chooses to bring and oust people, not others. It’s very true, but upon embedding this into me, I might lose them because they don’t know what I am into. And what’s more, they don’t know who I am, yet.

Divine intervention, supernatural intentions and foreseeable future are all I hoped to have since young. When I was young, I was supreme, competent and immortal. Things do not appear what it seem any more, my superior powers are taken away and now, I am just an ordinary mortal, who is escaping from my own impasse. I used to think that everything that I wanted to be will be, and what I wanted not to be will be vanished and be gone “under your majesty’s pleasure”.

In past years I have been trying to please everyone (e.g. friends, siblings, parents) and make everything as in contemplation. I realized that it is not practicable to do that, never practicable.

In the last post, I said that I have to depart either the reckless disposition or the loyalty, I have to choose one because I have come to a mindset that nothing a human can do to please everyone. I have succumbed to utter failure when I tried to take up two characteristics, it is never possible to do that.

In giving advice to friends, I never gave up in advising those who I wanted to. Numerous attempts given out, most of them are futile, and I just realized I am just who I am, I can’t change the world.

You guys should have known about my determination to revert myself back to the tranquil and the normal Nick after being given some words of wisdom by a friend of mine. With no sense of doubt that being someone who doesn’t speaks foul words is one of the factors of poise in men, but by doing that I have brought myself a consequence, which is that I have to depart from the gang I used to amid in, thus I am in consideration to oust that villain out of my life. I’m at a position where I have to seize an action as soon as possible with all benefits and consequences in contemplation, to apprehend which route I will be placed on, perhaps forever.

After I quelled and foiled my worthless disposition within two days, I realize that I can’t communicate well with my old gang any more, it’s as if there is an invisible barrier hampering our distance to be more closer. Without the usual usage of terms and actions, we’re seemingly close but actually there is already a distance between us.

They knew, they knew there’s something fishy going on with me, but yet I refuted and retorted with a smile, somehow they knew what was in my mind, they said I’ve changed, for about a week already, which is the day I plighted for a change. It’s time for a decision to be made, either to depart, or bind.

I was deeply struck by some words just now, reminding me how far that I have breached the border. It’s about my act in the class earlier today. I found that I was being really rude with my excessive use of foul words today, although not a lot did notice. I guess the habit was formed after mixing with someone in class (Shouldn’t defame someone haha), now the F word can just slip out without my conscience .

Obscene and rude words in conversations are cliché among guys, so I used to blend in some dirty jokes in my daily conversations whenever there are only guys in the chat. Today, while we were walking to Alex’s car (Alex, Derek, Chris and I) for a movie in Midvalley, I spoke (thank god I did not act) with obscenity loudly just for the purpose of creating a humour mood among us since we don’t hang out often, or to be precise this is the first time we go for a movie. There was an Indian guy walked behind us but I ignored her existence though.

Hours ago, Ke Xin told me that she noticed I’ve changed a lot (by speaking those foul words excessively), I found out that I went too far from the limits, hereby I apologize for those who are affected by my rudeness (if there is). So, I decided to give myself a change, it may be a will that I will never make it true, but since I dare to post it here, I will make a change, for myself and you all.

My first aim is to curtail the amount of the use of the F word (and other foul words), I made it for the past hour, by really not typing (sms, msn) and saying it out, I hope that’s a good start.

Second is to oust those “guy’s talk” away, I choose not to embarrass myself for creating useless laughter (what more, some people do not even appreciate it although they might be worse)

I guess I should accomplish these two objectives before going further, as the possibilities of success is still a myth.

While I am mustering a slew of courage to be a man, I noticed that I have surpassed a lot of people. For your information (to those that have not known), my indecisive attitude has been called “girlish” for the past years by my close friends, I thought I was the one who has this problem, but now I see some are still hanging around my past attitude ( world peace )

That “fix” surely gives me a tick for first impression, but I realized it is a little distort. It’s a great advantage to stomp a decision and stick with it with no regrets, thus accomplished many things that I thought it won’t happen.

Being ostentatious is also one of my objective at the moment, not because of getting fame and popularity, instead I am trying to overcome and apprehend my greatest weakness – shy which has been deterring and ceasing me from going another step in my love life. For now, I am making myself a little prominent without giving misunderstandings (that I am a talkative person with nonsense) so that in future I can be more like a man.