Definition of Life and Memories.

I wanted to change everything, I wanted to live like the kings, I wanted to have control of everything. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed. And I tried, and I failed.

Rugged, I think that we can’t really change something, or in other words, we can’t oppose fate. I tried so hard to procure, and it fell into their hands, onto a sprawling palm.

The world won’t wait really long for me, I had stalled for some time now, should I sprint on? or I shall prowl for another breeze of fate.

Could it be…..

Could it be that the worst hasn’t come yet,
Could it be that worst has averted,
and left me groping in void,
Could it be endurance is on the run,
or could it be life is just about test.

For could it be, life’s been rowdy,
Tumultuous, could it be,
I like, could it be?
I foresee, could it be?
The worst, how would it be?

Ordeal, life’s has it trough,
Bliss, ignorance has it say,
A choice, could it be?
Or fate, could it be.

If life is depicted as a journey on a road, it’s true at some point we have to make a decision, namely yes, or no. If you have not travelled the path you chosen far enough, you are still able to resile and return to the split path and take the other route, but the consequence is that you will be left behind by your peers.

When it came time to make decision, I used to ponder too much until I can’t stand firm with my decision. Before making a decision, I will weigh up the pro and cons so that I won’t make a wrong choice, it’s according to the Chinese idiom where it tells one to think three times before proceed. Perhaps I made more than “three times”, thus it disrupted my initial thought and point of view.

Hence in my conversations, (it’s my habit that) I don’t really provide an unequivocal answer. For instance when someone asked me if there is class on the next day, I will answer “should be” or “probably” or “I think so” even if I’m very certain with the answer. Subsequently this attitude pissed some people off, but I do afraid if my answer or reply might be wrong and will mislead their plans to go awry.

Now I’ve come to another split path where I have to choose whether to ditch a friend or not, this friend has a great influence in me and I can feel I’m slowly adapting and adopting to his method of living, as in personality and attitude. I nearly started to smoke because of him. Friends have been asking me to keep away from him as they told me that I am slowly drifting apart from who I am. I actually decided to ditch him long ago, but the problem keep revolves about the same question – whether to ditch him or not. This friend did enlighten me in some of my personal issues and unshackle some of my thoughts, and I’m still considering now whether…

Before this, I was working real hard to find “myself” , as I’ve drifted too far away from my original self. For those who don’t know, I did the “finding myself” act was due to that I have too many faces for different people, namely girls, guys, parents, lecturers. Even for guy friends, I changed and acted so differently in front of each of them, I realized that it was because I was finding for acceptance, or in other words, I wasn’t ready to be an outcast, not that early. Until a time when I noticed that although I do have numerous friends, but in fact, the “closeness” between us just don’t exist, and one of my friend told me because they are friends to my “shell”, but not my true self.

After some facelift and confessing, I finally had chosen a “standard” personality for myself, hoping to find people who really like me for being who am I, not the person who I acted. Throughout the reform, my friends kept abet me to insist on being myself, for example if someone dislikes me smoking,I should just tell them that is who I am (which is a smoker) and I should not really being a non-smoker in front of them. Hence if they like me, they are those who accept me for who I really am.

Just now, I had dinner with my friends, they are those who advised me about the “be myself” thing, they are fairly close to me. I have a bad habit, which is to answer indefinitely (e.g. certain times I provide stupid response to what they asked), and it offended one of them actually (since he mentioned it in front of me). And then the thought zap across my mind immediately, wasn’t I decided (and they encouraged me as well) to stay firm with who I am? The situation was kind of awkward when I told them “isn’t this who I am?”.

Before, I kept changing myself to a person where the person approached me will find me comfortable. Now, although it was a bad side of my personality (which may draw off certain person), but isn’t it made me who I am? If I change, wouldn’t I resile to the past? Where I have to change to please, but not pleased to change? I totally understand if it’s something unpleasant like digging the nose in public places which is absolutely repelling, even I couldn’t stand it either.

If he plans to keep a distance from me, is it my fault who possess an attitude which repels him away, or his fault for being too “possessive” of one’s attitude?

Perhaps or may I say that the “changing faces” thing was already me being myself?

Tears rinsed both of my eyes, I can’t bear the feeling of missing you, again. I really want to love you so much, but yet I’m afraid of the consequence of breaking up, which may make our relationship awkward, and I chose not to let you know, and to bear the torment myself.

Almost everything I see, I can relate it back to you, your charming look, your second smile and your passionate voice. I want to love you, no word can describe the feeling I’m bearing now, it’s even worse than death, where there is no longer existence of thoughts.

My heart is already broken until it is not possible to be broken again, tell me, what do I do with my heart which is caused by you?

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin’ apart
I know what I’ll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I won’t hold you back
I won’t stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

If only love is everlasting, this decrepit soul of me would not be entangled in an endless impasse…..

Thanks Ernest (first comment in the last post) for your opinion regarding that you do not believe in “fate”. But I’m giving in to the existence of fate. If it was not fate, you wouldn’t come to my blog, if it was not fate, you wouldn’t seen my last post, if it was not fate, we wouldn’t known to each other.

Today was a breakthrough for me though, have broaden my eyes to many views and also eased off a load of burden off my shoulders. Hahaha I’m making myself like some psycho with tons of problems, actually I take every things in life into consideration, and thus my mind is usually of twice the workload of someone else.

Since ages ago, my mind has been so sophisticated that I planned so well for every actions, every game plan was so perfectly made and any likely outcomes are predicted and I’ve already found a solution before it came to existence. But as I grew older, things are so spontaneous that I couldn’t see them coming and comprehend them one by one. Very unfortunately, my brain continued to do his “task” until a day where I found that this is totally meaningless, and instead, why not let things be how it should be?

For the moment, I’ll just proceed with everything and let fate decides, if my decision is meant to be wrong, there is actually no point squeezing your brain for an answer and ended up with disappointment.

Ahh, have been seeking love for so long till I’ve forgotten what I have been looking for at the start, and now a surge of the feeling that I have longed for made me realized that what I wanted, is already with my possession.

I guess after all what I have been seeking for is attention and care. And hence I misunderstood the whole concept by thinking that only a beloved can grant me that, somehow I was wrong, so wrong which made my life seemed so peculiar for me. Now that I got a bunch of friends being so close, so kind to me and I am so “in love” that the lust of love have all gone, I guess love is not necessarily requires the ingredient of a couple.

On the other way, I am now in a quest of searching for “myself”, due to that long period of blending in friends’ lives to get attention, I am no longer myself now. I spoke for a reason, I approached them for a reason, even my smile has a reason too. This made me sound evil and heinous, but that’s the fact though, no point running away from myself as it has been taking control over me for a long long time. Time to get back on track!

Although his absence is already a long-gone history, his presence was so vividly binding to my mind. Nope, this time is not about my beloved one who passed away, it’s a singer, or shall I say legend, who rocked the world and stumbled upon every one’s heart, for too many times. What strengthens me wasn’t his songs, instead it’s his ordeal, especially when his death was near. The poignant voice he had, has deeply struck into my heart and the voice can really soothe my soul.

He lived his life to the maximum, despite of the disparaging views he had been placed in. He broke every borders, and even achieved beyond more than what he had expected. Since the day I got in touch with his music till now, I’m still cherishing every bite of his words which has built my poise and sanity where no one can do, but only his voice.

“I’m caught in between, with a fading dream”, this sentence has accompanied me for a while now, and I’m still reluctant to ditch it, it’s too valuable and I would be willing to give up everything except the sentence. In the face of it, it may seems ordinary, dull and meaningless. But what if you’re placed in a mishap, an impasse with no way out? In betweenremedy and punishment, the least painful one was death, and no more.

[The person mentioned starting from below is not related to above]
Life may be just one two and three, and most of the things are not even worth to be mentioned of, and it’s not up to me to say that life is short or long, nonetheless, problems will just keep on coming incessantly, if one doesn’t learn to cope with fear and hardships, the upcoming one will be his most painstakingly hard moment of his life. For instance? Myself. When I was young, nothing could be seemed a problem because there will be always the “one” to back me up, I’m the perfectly-made spoiled brat. The first problem I met, was the one where it’s the least thought of and yet the most feared of, death of the “one”.

I cried without tears, screamed without words, and my heart was beating out of time. I was in dismay, trying to go back in time and to amend where things have started to gone awry. The dream I made that night was the longest and darkest, where were the “lecture section” and the chide?

Life is like a fairytale, but when the story has come to an end, that’s the doomsday. It has been some time now, and I have picked up my life and began my journey again, but something is different now, I’ve become much durable now, I’ve had the worst, what else could be worse?

With me being no exception, I have numerous dilemmas ahead of me. People used to tell me “be yourself”, and I had a hard time squeezing my brain for that two words. The essence is if “myself” could sort out the problems, I wouldn’t need to spend time pleading for remedies.

Back to the same topic, I’m still on my way to get the girl I like. As far as I know myself the best, I show tenderness to every friends I have and I never desert them. Although this sounds like bragging about myself, but they are at a higher priority than myself, for instance I did spend my whole night to appease my friend on the night before my finals (I didn’t screw up my exams though ).

There is just a gap between me and her which I knew of the existence but I can’t tell what is it. I totally understand that she has no obligation to be obsessed with me, but however I just don’t know the chasm between me and her which deters me from fostering a close relationship with her. But nonetheless, I still derive satisfaction by watching her smiling and doing well from her back, and will continue to ensure her happiness only until the lust is gone.

While days ago my friend had enlightened me by telling me the fact that “there are millions of them outside, why mingle and linger to only one?”. I lauded his statement, but..if and only if the lust can be eradicated for once and for all.

See, to be frank, I don’t find girlfriend to have sex or to do some intimate talks, what I need is someone to ease my burden off my shoulders, I have too much to tell, with too little words to describe.

Really, what were we looking for after all? Wealth? Girls? Sex? Booze? While people are zealously pursuing their aims, now I have concluded that life is really a dream. One can never be perfect, thus we are said to be living in a world of chaos. I have this sudden surge of feeling within me for no reason, and I am feeling so lonely despite that I have almost what I wanted so long, an ordinary life to live. I have friends, a decent family a good environment for growth, everything for an ordinary person to live an ordinary life.

The reasoning behind this “sudden feeling” is I’ve found out that humans can never achieve a satisfactory outcome, never. This world is created for everyone, hence no one can be satisfied of without being someone made worse off, in simple words, no one can be fully satisfied. Take the most abundant example, money. People are always crazy for money and some resulted to underhanded method to obtain them. After one is rich, he or she will achieves other demand. But when one really got everything, what can he do after that? When you have a heaps of money, houses, girls, everything, what else can you do? When you got your private jet and 20-story bungalow, what else can boost your satisfaction? A 100-story bungalow?

Some may not be money fanatic and they just wanted a so called “ordinary and simple” life. Disregard the likelihood that he or she may be distorted by money factor (e.g. sudden craze for luxury stuff), at times he may be bored of what he has, for instance his wife, his living environment or something else. However, no matter how many wives or houses he changes, he will not derive permanent satisfaction from it.

Actually I’ve been thinking as to “what were we looking for after all”, I wrote a post with similar title long ago but just minutes ago I thought about it again.

Regarding to my opinion (or post), some may say that achieving their aims is the least they can do to achieve satisfaction, or it’s better off than doing nothing and get no satisfaction. There was a saying in old times, “the bigger you get, the most responsibility you have to bear”, assuming that “bigger” refers to possessing more of your aims (e.g. richer, more popularity), then dilemmas will start to haunt you day and night. Take celebrities as example, for eastern countries, celebrities are not in favour of getting married or pregnant, because it may lose their popularity. Hence, they are bound to disguise their true self and sacrificing their dreams to live a personal life. For that reason, isn’t it worse to obtain the satisfaction by losing a fundamental part of your life?

You may think I am making no sense at all because this is life, actually I am just attesting the adversity of life. We all knew that no one is made perfect, but we never accept it. This can be related to “nothing is impossible”. We can achieve what others can, like being an outstanding musician, but if we’re not good at it, there is no point being crazy for it while our hidden talent can actually get us more than what we thought of.

[This paragraph may be sensitive, but it's only limited to my opinion and I apologize if it offends anyone] While for monks and nuns, they may be “made to contribute to the mankind and nothing more”. Ponder it again, while they are contributing to the world without expecting any returns, what are they looking for? I think it’s just meaningless to think themselves “to be born with no aim but to contribute”. Having the knowledge that they are similar to an ordinary person, what can they “contribute” to others while they have nothing at all?

In conclusion, I have no idea what was, and what am I looking for. Achieving a not-so-lonely life is not viable anymore as I’ve lost someone who I can never exchange for what I have right now, or even in my distant future.

P/S: I just felt like spilling what I just felt and thought of out of the blue.

To, my dear beloved,

If one was to put your bliss in heist, I shall return it for you
If one was to put your tears in heist, I shall return it for you
If one was to put your heart in heist, I shall return it for you.

If one was to disrupt your pristine state of mind, I shall return it for you
If one was to disrupt your poise, I shall return it for you
If one, was to disrupt your tranquillity, I shall return it for you.

They said, friendship lasts forever, but couple don’t,
I was baffled, terrified and disgusted by this abhorrent fact,
But have to concur to it, as I have no consensus to refute,
God Speed, may it laid you in delight, for there will be one to bite your dust,
All the time.