Definition of Life and Memories.

If life is depicted as a journey on a road, it’s true at some point we have to make a decision, namely yes, or no. If you have not travelled the path you chosen far enough, you are still able to resile and return to the split path and take the other route, but the consequence is that you will be left behind by your peers.

When it came time to make decision, I used to ponder too much until I can’t stand firm with my decision. Before making a decision, I will weigh up the pro and cons so that I won’t make a wrong choice, it’s according to the Chinese idiom where it tells one to think three times before proceed. Perhaps I made more than “three times”, thus it disrupted my initial thought and point of view.

Hence in my conversations, (it’s my habit that) I don’t really provide an unequivocal answer. For instance when someone asked me if there is class on the next day, I will answer “should be” or “probably” or “I think so” even if I’m very certain with the answer. Subsequently this attitude pissed some people off, but I do afraid if my answer or reply might be wrong and will mislead their plans to go awry.

Now I’ve come to another split path where I have to choose whether to ditch a friend or not, this friend has a great influence in me and I can feel I’m slowly adapting and adopting to his method of living, as in personality and attitude. I nearly started to smoke because of him. Friends have been asking me to keep away from him as they told me that I am slowly drifting apart from who I am. I actually decided to ditch him long ago, but the problem keep revolves about the same question – whether to ditch him or not. This friend did enlighten me in some of my personal issues and unshackle some of my thoughts, and I’m still considering now whether…

As some of you may know, I like to hear and share my friends’ burden since young. The best form of help that I could provide is only advice. Burden and problems are something tangible for me, when I get to know about about people’s problem, their burden will accrue to myself and I am feeling meaningless to do all this.

I experienced it before, when you are desperately in need of a hand or a ear, everyone will be out of reach, or you will suddenly have a thought that the world is opposing you. I may still be considered young, but I’m old enough to sort out my problems myself, somehow it’s still congenial if someone out there is willing to bear the burden for you. Hence I rarely decline request from friends.

Nonetheless, I’m getting tired from doing all this. I am just an ordinary human and I have my limit, no one is out there giving a damn to my problems, should I retire from all this mess I done to myself?

I can be one’s Valentino, I can be one’s God, I can be one’s parents, but deep in myself I’m an evil person, I can’t disclose any further than that. I commit and conspire things subtly, I live in the dark.

Recently I’ve been starting to experience what is “life”, and yes it was astonishing. Let me trace back what I’ve done these weeks, hmm, I guess hanging out in cyber cafe and pool are something cliche to be mentioned of, perhaps hanging out on a bridge would tickle your brain?

Yeah, I have been doing something silly with friends these days, something where people don’t normally do, trying to make use of every second in our life to the maximum. Last week my friends and I were actually hanging out on the bridge in front of Putrajaya office, the Prime Minister office. No one is allowed to stop and park on the bridge, I guess the legislation doesn’t apply on…5am on the morning? Haha it was fun to chit chat and talk craps with friends there, a feeling which only can be told through actual experience. For your information, we actually left our packets of drinks there when we left, yes, very unethical of a Malaysian citizen.

There were so many crazy things I’ve done but I can’t remember any except the bridge one. Time passes so fast when we’re enjoying it, but stagnates when we’re suffering. Nevertheless, every second passes is every second we lose in our life, better enjoy it now before our time has come eh? Haha

Before this, I was working real hard to find “myself” , as I’ve drifted too far away from my original self. For those who don’t know, I did the “finding myself” act was due to that I have too many faces for different people, namely girls, guys, parents, lecturers. Even for guy friends, I changed and acted so differently in front of each of them, I realized that it was because I was finding for acceptance, or in other words, I wasn’t ready to be an outcast, not that early. Until a time when I noticed that although I do have numerous friends, but in fact, the “closeness” between us just don’t exist, and one of my friend told me because they are friends to my “shell”, but not my true self.

After some facelift and confessing, I finally had chosen a “standard” personality for myself, hoping to find people who really like me for being who am I, not the person who I acted. Throughout the reform, my friends kept abet me to insist on being myself, for example if someone dislikes me smoking,I should just tell them that is who I am (which is a smoker) and I should not really being a non-smoker in front of them. Hence if they like me, they are those who accept me for who I really am.

Just now, I had dinner with my friends, they are those who advised me about the “be myself” thing, they are fairly close to me. I have a bad habit, which is to answer indefinitely (e.g. certain times I provide stupid response to what they asked), and it offended one of them actually (since he mentioned it in front of me). And then the thought zap across my mind immediately, wasn’t I decided (and they encouraged me as well) to stay firm with who I am? The situation was kind of awkward when I told them “isn’t this who I am?”.

Before, I kept changing myself to a person where the person approached me will find me comfortable. Now, although it was a bad side of my personality (which may draw off certain person), but isn’t it made me who I am? If I change, wouldn’t I resile to the past? Where I have to change to please, but not pleased to change? I totally understand if it’s something unpleasant like digging the nose in public places which is absolutely repelling, even I couldn’t stand it either.

If he plans to keep a distance from me, is it my fault who possess an attitude which repels him away, or his fault for being too “possessive” of one’s attitude?

Perhaps or may I say that the “changing faces” thing was already me being myself?