Definition of Life and Memories.

Bunch of people are dying lately, and now it affects the close ones of my friends. With no doubt, they are devastated and broken. I guess it’s human nature to keep whining and complaining about calamities they had faced, thus for now I’m going to show you guys something which had left in his diary by someone who died three months ago.

Seconds and minutes and hours, days and weeks and months, why is time passes so fast when it’s happy, and stagnates when it’s in torment? Because of this silly reason, I stopped smiling and make use of every second of my life to not to be happy, wishing the time can stagnate in this moment forever.

One year ago, we were having so much fun in school, we had done so much, and now so little to be written, life is just like a fairy tale, although it never exist. Now I had a little problem with me, it took the life out of me, and I couldn’t make a second smile any more.

What hurt me was not the pain, which was the painstakingly cruel fact in life. When our time has come, do we have no choice but to give up everything that we have? I’m starting to believe that life is just a dream, we can’t occupy something forever, similarly we can’t love someone forever.

I’m having this little problem here, which deprives me of sighting and hearing. It is not death, it is something a little worse than death I suppose. What live in me is just me and my mom beside me, who gave life to this diary.

As I said I am reluctant to be happy even for a while, now the despicable time has brought me to another end of my life, and I’m just waiting for this dilapidated and deteriorated house to just fall upon me, and let this just end for once and for all

The diary was written by a woman called Jessi, she had some disease which impair her ability to listen and see, and thus she had lost her friends because she couldn’t see and know who approached her, moreover she couldn’t even listen to any words her friends had spoken. Fortunately, there was someone who actually approached her and lived with her to give her accompany. Hence she lived with someone without having known of his or her’s companion look, nor they did not live with words, they communicated by touch that’s all.

The last paragraph was written by her about 50-60 years later, where she wrote (with help of someone) that happy moments just dash too quickly till that even for a handicapped person like her, time still passes with the same pace.

So, guys, what do you think? feeling lucky?

Tears rinsed both of my eyes, I can’t bear the feeling of missing you, again. I really want to love you so much, but yet I’m afraid of the consequence of breaking up, which may make our relationship awkward, and I chose not to let you know, and to bear the torment myself.

Almost everything I see, I can relate it back to you, your charming look, your second smile and your passionate voice. I want to love you, no word can describe the feeling I’m bearing now, it’s even worse than death, where there is no longer existence of thoughts.

My heart is already broken until it is not possible to be broken again, tell me, what do I do with my heart which is caused by you?

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin’ apart
I know what I’ll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I won’t hold you back
I won’t stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

If only love is everlasting, this decrepit soul of me would not be entangled in an endless impasse…..

I was browsing my contact list in my phone recently, the list was repeatedly gone through again and again, and something came into my mind – who can I really talk to? Someone who willing to listen? Someone trustworthy? Someone who would give advice? Or someone who will understands you and keep track of your problems? Then here comes the “deep thought” again – what is actually a friend?

When comes to knowing new friends, I don’t pick, I just take what it comes. Now that I have hundreds of friends, but when come to desperate times, none is useful. I try not to sound like I’m a “controller” or “advantage taker” here, but when you are really in a deep mess, friends will become “idle”, and you can hear all sorts of not-very-convincing replies.

Someone told me before, one useful friend is better than 100 useless friends. It’s true however nonetheless, won’t you have a surge of guilt to keep bugging one person? Imagine someone keep giving you their load, you’re as if living a life of two persons, and at a point you will feel this is completely meaningless then when the boiling point is reached, he or she will then loses a useful friend.

Sometimes it’s not sure if we should put the blame on those who refuse to help a friend out. We are not obliged to help anyone, and it’s not a betrayal of trust nor friendship to not to help someone, albeit they may be in their greatest ordeal. And hence who is to put to blame? The one who refuses to help or the one who got the wrong friend?

The statement of “give and take” has suddenly become irrelevant. Humans are not God, they only take but they rarely give. However, to what extend do they have to “give”? Can a “good luck” considered as a “give”?

While some derive satisfaction from speaking and acting flamboyantly in front of friends, they are not at fault too, but people tend to put them into the “bitchy” category. I’ve had enough of “I’ve had enough” words from people but what is there to do? It’s a norm for us, and we are cunning and ignorant, don’t we?

Countless times we’ve heard that their boyfriend or girlfriend are not giving enough freedom to them, it seems like when there’s love, there’s an excessive protection given to them which often lead to a burdensome love. I guess I’m loving someone now, and I intend to protect her with all I have. Love can exist by itself, it doesn’t need any “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” title nor confession to let him or her to know.

But some say love is to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. I failed to give myself a satisfactory answer when I asked myself, I can’t give her wings when she belongs to me, I just can’t. As such, I decided to just keep a distance and be her silent bodyguard.

I used to crave for relationship, kept thinking that how sweet will it be to have someone having you in mind all the time. Unfortunately I don’t think it will last long and it’s not worth for the time and effort, albeit sweet and lovely. Even the strongest everlasting love can break, I do not think that a mere “I love you” bond can last, perhaps not even for a while. Mutual breakup is desirable and is always prayed to happen, but only God knows when if it is to happen.

Therefore, I have been and will be watching her back all the time, I guess that’s the best way to “give her wings when she wants to fly”. Furthermore, I feel comfortable with it..so..that’s the way I will keep it, at least for a while.