Definition of Life and Memories.

I dedicated this song to my favourite and the best singer in history – Freddie Mercury. He’s the lead vocalist of Queen but passed away on 1991, the year which I was born. Love you Freddie.

Every time when things go wrong I will just play this song, picturing in my mind how much tougher than Freddie had gone through

Title: In My Defence
Singer: Freddie Mercury (Queen)

In my defence what is there to say
All the mistakes we made must be faced today
It’s not easy now knowing where to start
While the world we love tears itself apart

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
For just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream

In my defence what is there to say
We destroy the love, it’s our way
We never listen enough, never face the truth
Then like a passing song, love is here and then it’s gone

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
For just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream

I’m just a singer with a song
How can I try to right the wrong
I’m just a singer with a melody
I’m caught in between, with a fading dream
Caught in between, with a fading dream
Caught in between, with a fading dream

Oh what on earth, oh what on earth
How do I try, do we live or die
Oh help me God, please help me

After the total face lift, I’m not in a place to choose who I want to be with, it’s moulded and set. I can’t communicate with my old gang any longer without bringing out my former impression. It’s done.

The new Nick accepts speech differently, he finds foul words intimidating and insulting. Should I revert back to the old me, or live on with my new path? But the old me did gain acceptance among friends, and happiness as well, it made me more of a prominent person which I am hunger for it since primary school.

I brought out this concept several days ago, which is in your life, you’re the decision-maker, you’re the one who chooses to bring and oust people, not others. It’s very true, but upon embedding this into me, I might lose them because they don’t know what I am into. And what’s more, they don’t know who I am, yet.

Divine intervention, supernatural intentions and foreseeable future are all I hoped to have since young. When I was young, I was supreme, competent and immortal. Things do not appear what it seem any more, my superior powers are taken away and now, I am just an ordinary mortal, who is escaping from my own impasse. I used to think that everything that I wanted to be will be, and what I wanted not to be will be vanished and be gone “under your majesty’s pleasure”.

In past years I have been trying to please everyone (e.g. friends, siblings, parents) and make everything as in contemplation. I realized that it is not practicable to do that, never practicable.

In the last post, I said that I have to depart either the reckless disposition or the loyalty, I have to choose one because I have come to a mindset that nothing a human can do to please everyone. I have succumbed to utter failure when I tried to take up two characteristics, it is never possible to do that.

In giving advice to friends, I never gave up in advising those who I wanted to. Numerous attempts given out, most of them are futile, and I just realized I am just who I am, I can’t change the world.

You guys should have known about my determination to revert myself back to the tranquil and the normal Nick after being given some words of wisdom by a friend of mine. With no sense of doubt that being someone who doesn’t speaks foul words is one of the factors of poise in men, but by doing that I have brought myself a consequence, which is that I have to depart from the gang I used to amid in, thus I am in consideration to oust that villain out of my life. I’m at a position where I have to seize an action as soon as possible with all benefits and consequences in contemplation, to apprehend which route I will be placed on, perhaps forever.

After I quelled and foiled my worthless disposition within two days, I realize that I can’t communicate well with my old gang any more, it’s as if there is an invisible barrier hampering our distance to be more closer. Without the usual usage of terms and actions, we’re seemingly close but actually there is already a distance between us.

They knew, they knew there’s something fishy going on with me, but yet I refuted and retorted with a smile, somehow they knew what was in my mind, they said I’ve changed, for about a week already, which is the day I plighted for a change. It’s time for a decision to be made, either to depart, or bind.

Ahh I’m so busy for these past days, don’t have time to write some “inspiring” post. Lost my voice today, consequence of craving for cold water, ahh!

I was deeply struck by some words just now, reminding me how far that I have breached the border. It’s about my act in the class earlier today. I found that I was being really rude with my excessive use of foul words today, although not a lot did notice. I guess the habit was formed after mixing with someone in class (Shouldn’t defame someone haha), now the F word can just slip out without my conscience .

Obscene and rude words in conversations are cliché among guys, so I used to blend in some dirty jokes in my daily conversations whenever there are only guys in the chat. Today, while we were walking to Alex’s car (Alex, Derek, Chris and I) for a movie in Midvalley, I spoke (thank god I did not act) with obscenity loudly just for the purpose of creating a humour mood among us since we don’t hang out often, or to be precise this is the first time we go for a movie. There was an Indian guy walked behind us but I ignored her existence though.

Hours ago, Ke Xin told me that she noticed I’ve changed a lot (by speaking those foul words excessively), I found out that I went too far from the limits, hereby I apologize for those who are affected by my rudeness (if there is). So, I decided to give myself a change, it may be a will that I will never make it true, but since I dare to post it here, I will make a change, for myself and you all.

My first aim is to curtail the amount of the use of the F word (and other foul words), I made it for the past hour, by really not typing (sms, msn) and saying it out, I hope that’s a good start.

Second is to oust those “guy’s talk” away, I choose not to embarrass myself for creating useless laughter (what more, some people do not even appreciate it although they might be worse)

I guess I should accomplish these two objectives before going further, as the possibilities of success is still a myth.

While I am mustering a slew of courage to be a man, I noticed that I have surpassed a lot of people. For your information (to those that have not known), my indecisive attitude has been called “girlish” for the past years by my close friends, I thought I was the one who has this problem, but now I see some are still hanging around my past attitude ( world peace )

That “fix” surely gives me a tick for first impression, but I realized it is a little distort. It’s a great advantage to stomp a decision and stick with it with no regrets, thus accomplished many things that I thought it won’t happen.

Being ostentatious is also one of my objective at the moment, not because of getting fame and popularity, instead I am trying to overcome and apprehend my greatest weakness – shy which has been deterring and ceasing me from going another step in my love life. For now, I am making myself a little prominent without giving misunderstandings (that I am a talkative person with nonsense) so that in future I can be more like a man.

Note: I’m not being emo, distraught or insane, just expressing what I have just found out minutes ago.

I have a slew of thoughtful and far-sighted plans everyday, and yet none came true until I just realized at this very moment. I guess that is what called a failure, being failed to fulfil what the plans were set by me. Love, studies, friends, too much mistakes have been done and although they are a solid fact, I am still regretting for how worthless and reckless I was in my past.

Plans, I laid out, planned with bustling and vibrant enthusiast to complete it, ended up with fruitless and futile results. I thought I was supposed to completely put to blame on myself for the failures, but then again, it’s not very easy to conduct and make a plan succeed. It takes courage and luck into account. It is always easy to say,

“Just go for it, what is there to be afraid of?”

“After this trial, your fear will be quenched, long gone”

“Why others can do it while I can’t? All it takes it just a go”

These encouragements used to grow repugnantly when I was trying to get a plan come true, but at the end I realized, a courage is not just a good-to-go ready-made strength, you may refute my point of view, but you will surely understand when you’re in my shoes. I had a girlfriend in the past and it isn’t I am the one who confessed, so I have not tried confessing yet, and therefore it’s like a myriad of hearts beating in my body when I am trying to speak to the girl I like, it’s frightening, yet anguish to see how failure I am

Time passes very fast today, it’s evening already and it seems that my friends are all out to celebrate mother’s day. My mother went back to home town yesterday for a “mother’s day dinner” and just came back, I guess I’ll wish her later.

Haha while you guys are doing something meaningful to appreciate your mother’s effort over these years, I did the same old bored stuff at home. Went out for Mamak on the afternoon because mom wasn’t back yet, and my brother was being a CSI-fanatic, reluctant to budge, hence I just went myself

Had Nasi Goreng Ayam, it’s tasty, but the chilli is…biased? it’s sweet and nothing different with tomato sauce, that moustache demon told me that it’s the same, my mind was producing so much “wtf”s and I did not argue for that sauce. ( It may seems childish for bringing up a argument for a chilli sauce, but I eat for satisfaction , it’s like eating spicy curry fried chicken with tomato flavour)

After that I made some walks to 7-11 to buy newspaper, and some sweets ( Shhh, don’t make a fuss about it or it’s going to be gone tomorrow). I am known as the infamous Candy Man in high school, guess I’m going to have this pseudonym again.

Last night I told someone that I’ll give a benefit to her if she helps me in something, and she disrespected me by rejecting it. I told her my benefit which hunger by my admirers – benefit is that the person can talk to me. She said ” Oh I see”. GIVE HER DIE! Hahahahhaa

Today’s swimming marks my achievement milestone again! My breastroke has almost reached a ‘mastery’ state. I managed to swim for like 20 metres already, a massive improvement compared to my first time.

And by the way Yeow Joo invented a new style – Shark style. It’s cool though, perhaps enough to give people some chills and scare them in distraught. muahahahahah. Anyway I’m teaching it for free, there is a potential for learners to get fame due to not a lot of swimmers knew this style (in fact, only two at the moment).